[insert appropriate title here]

There has been a lot of talk about marriage lately.

What is marriage, does the government have a right to redefine it, what is the Churches view of gay marriage and so on and so forth.

I'm not here to talk about that, and if I did a lot of you would probably disagree with me. It isn't because I take marriage lightly, anything but, for me it as serious as you get. It is something that is for life (though I understand there are exceptional circumstances, which isn't for me to judge.) It is not to be entered into lightly.

I almost did that.

Entered into it lightly, without really thinking about what the reality was.

I'm not trying to make a big deal out of this, I'm not trying to draw attention to myself and I know there are a number of people, people whom I love and care for a lot who won't be ok with me bringing it up like this, so guys I'm sorry about any offence caused but this is my space and this is something that I need to be able to write about.

So tomorrow is June 2nd, and I'm sat in the hall of my house pondering what this means to me.

And no i'm not talking about Jubilee weekend. (Though BIG love for the Queen and her hats)

Tomorrow was meant to be the day I married Law.

But for the last 6 months this has not been the case. Again I'm not going into the details why because frankly if i haven't told you it's cause it's none of your business, and my blog is not the place to talk about it.

In the last few days though it has really hit me, I find myself pondering what would i be doing right now if I hadn't have made that decision.


For the last 6months I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do instead. If i wanted to do something, the original thought was to spend time with the Sare Clan but then that fell apart and I didn't really want to do that. The sister-in-law suggested doing something big like sky diving or bungee jumping. Others suggested a party, or a holiday. There have been many ideas kicked about.

The thing is, no matter what i do people aren't going to be happy. If I ignore the day and just do normal things people will worry about me, or it will be told off for not acknowledging the day as if it means nothing to me. But if I enjoy the day, if i do something extraordinary than I am the heartless bitch who is just celebrating her lucky escape.

Basically, I can't win.

No matter what I do I'm going to hurt or offend someone.

But folks, you know what, this isn't about anyone else. How I deal with this day isn't even about Law.

It's about me. And what I feel is right. (I'm not broadcasting what I'm doing, you don't need to know.)

For me this is about acknowledging the roads that i have taken and the ones that I haven't, it is about allowing myself to move on, mostly by forgiving myself, by allowing myself to be forgiven for my part in this.

The reality is that with everything else going on in my life, this isn't going to be an easy weekend, it isn't something I can just ignore.

But it doesn't define me. And I know that one day the right person will make it so easy for me to walk down that aisle and say the words "I do."


Well that is my self-indulgent yarn done with for a little while, until the next time, have a grand bank holiday folks.

Shake it Out

I frequently get myself into trouble, the problem is I'm a little flippant with the way I talk about things, mainly myself and the situations in my life.

A few people have, over time, called me a drama queen. This isn't me having a go at them. I actually appreciate it when people challenge me on these things, it keeps me grounded.

But I think the people who say this, I know the people who say this, are often the ones that don't really know me.

I mean the real me, the vulnerable girl who is desperately seeking a stable and happy life. The girl who struggles with self-esteem issues and gets angry at God for allowing this stuff to happen. The girl who most of the time just wants a hug and to be told she is loved. The girl who keeps people at arms length so she doesn't get hurt again.

That is the important thing, I don't want to be hurt again, so I am honest about my life, because then it means people don't have ammunition to hurt me. But also because if I can joke about the things that have happened to me, if I can be flippant about it then it means I'm ok, and that thing can't hurt me anymore. It means I am in control of the message. (Sometimes I think I should be a press secretary like CJ from the West Wing.)

So I get myself in trouble because I make mildly inappropriate jokes, or because I am honest about myself and my past. I actually don't think I get in that much trouble, more I just confuse people, throw them for a loop. I say something matter of fact and then breeze past because for me it is fact, whereas people want me to talk about it, they want to apologise that it is part of my story they want to make me feel better. And blah blah blah. All very well meaning and I really appreciate that people care so much about me. I really do.

So one of the facts about me is I have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.)

Most of you who have been around for a while should know this, but I recognise that I have some newer readers these days (Hi by the way.)

Anywho, I have PTSD, it's not fun.

I got it 2 1/2 years ago. I am a survive of sexual abuse/assault/violence. I never really know what to call it. All i know is that I'm not a victim I am a survivor. I haven't, and won't, let it define me.

It was a horrible time in my life, being betrayed by someone you love and care for so much has a tendency to leave a lot of scars. I had to fight tooth and nail for my sanity, to reclaim myself, to remember the woman that God called me to be. But I did it, after a 6 month break I was better. I was back at work, I was functioning as a human being again.

I, naively, thought that it was done with. I had moved on so it wouldn't bother me again.

So it became something I could talk about honestly with people, I'm not ashamed of what happened to me. I won't hide it.

But i found that the church (as a whole) was ashamed of me. They were confused by me, they didn't know how to deal with me or support me. There are some amazing individuals out there who were incredible, who really supported me, but mostly it is something that makes people feel uncomfortable, it is something that very few people have offered to support me through after the initial few months.

Sexual Violence is an uncomfortable subject, it is horrific, and no man or woman should have to experience it. When we hear stories we feel that tug of pain for that person, we SHOULD feel uncomfortable about it, because it shouldn't happen. It shouldn't be the reality that it currently is.

Why am I bringing this back into the mix? Well like I said I have PTSD and that isn't something that goes away. It still effects me.

The wrong song in a pub can throw me for a loop, seeing a face in the crowd can terrify me. A certain smell can take me back to that place. I still dream about it occasionally. I awake terrified, unable to breathe, feeling sick to my stomach. These thankfully are normally one off's and after throwing up, telling a few people and some prayer I normally find myself ready for the day.

However that is not always the case. Sometimes, like currently, I find myself overwhelmed with fear. Smell is strongly linked with memory. For me there is a certain smell, which I am normally able to avoid, which takes me back to that place.

I'm in that place now, once again I have found myself fighting for my sanity. Holding onto reality.

Let me tell you it isn't easy, there is not a lot anyone can do about it.

I've arranged for counselling, except the waiting list is huge and my appointment isn't until the beginning of August. This makes me so angry, for 2 reasons, first survivors shouldn't have to wait to get the help that they need and second how many men and women are battling with this issue that there is such a long waiting list.

Currently I'm kinda living in a personal hell.

There is no sugar coating it really. My head is a pretty sucky place to be right now.

I do know and believe that I will make it out the other side of this, I have done it before and I know that with my God on my side that all things are possible and that nothing can stop me.

But it has got me pondering what help is out there for women and men like myself, especially within the church.

There ARE some great resources, LifeCentre.uk being one of them. But I can't help but feel that there is so much more we could be doing than just ignoring the problem, than just hoping that a person is better cause it is a few years down the line.

I'm not wanting to moan about the church, i love the Bride of Christ, I really do. And I'm REALLY NOT wanting you to all feel sorry for me and give me those sympathetic smiles and those well intentioned words "I'm sorry." It's just this is my safe space. This is where I work out what is going on in my head.

What happened to me is part of my history, it has scarred me, it is something that I live with everyday. It is painful, but it has also made me a stronger more compassionate woman, it encourages me to keep going, to keep fighting. To be ALL the God has called me to be.


So I'm leaving you with a video clip (I haven't done that in a while.) It's from a recent episode of Glee which addressed the subject of Domestic Violence. It was an incredibly moving episode, and I was so impressed to see such a hard subject dealt with so delicately. The girls were given the task of turning a song into an anthem for women empowering them to get help. They are singing it to Coach Beast who is a victim of DV.

Every time i hear this song I know that I WILL get better and that the fight is worth it.

Hipster Church

Today i found myself speechless with gratitude. And I'm going to explain to ya'll why.


Back in October i coined the phrase "hipster church" in regard to the Freedom Church movement. I was invited along, by an incredible friend, to a church campus that her church in Hereford was planting. So i went along, and it is fair to say my frist impression was "oh dear God, please don't make me go back there."


Now it is REALLY important to say at this point that it isn't because they were heretical or that i disagreed with what they were doing. I admired them for doing church in a way that was relevant to a lost generation for being fresh in their approach and for being so flipping passionate.


My problem was, I'm a simple girl, I'm not impressed with flashing lights, and fancy creative video's and all the flashy pretty things. For me church is about community, it is a fellowship of believers meeting together sharing a vision and living out the gospel in their area (i'm referring to local church and not The Bride of Christ as a whole #obvs.)


So I went to this church and thought, this isn't for me. What they are doing is great, but I'll probably not come back.


Then in December my life changed, I broke up with Law, so the last few months of wedding planning and aiming for something, my focus for the next few months was gone, my whole life was in turmoil and i was a little (well BIG big really) lost.


Then the (now) Mr Helen told me something and I realised that I needed to get my life back on track, i had to put a stop to the drinking and partying and the guys. And I thought, part of means that i need to get some spiritual feeding, I need to go to church for myself and not to tell young people about Jesus (though that is important to.) I instantly thought of my friend and her hipster church, the church that was young and fresh and new and all hipstery. I thought why not go, if anything the teaching is great and the music is acceptable.


I went, and i found God speaking to me in a way I hadn't allowed Him to in a long time. I was passionate about my faith again, surely going along to a church now and then that ignites that passion can't be good and i can deal with the crazy if it's every once in a while. Then God told me to go along to bootcamp (hipster housegroup.) So i went. And i was very honest with them how i wasn't really sure what i was doing there, that this isn't my kinda church.


NOBODY expected me to stick around. Most of all me.


But, God has this annoying habit of taking you out of your comfort zone and reminding you that it isn't about what you want it is about what He wants. And He made it VERY clear that He wanted me to be part of Hipster Church.


I tried to convince Him that He was wrong.


That didn't work out so well for me. You can't really win in argument against the creator of the universe, (unless you count ignoring Him, and that isn't really winning is it.) So i stayed.


The bestie, the parents, numerous others chums and mr helen all questioning me. "are you sure?" "you are the last person i would EVER imagine to be in a church like that," "it doesn't sound very you." All things people said to me.


Heck i said the same things.


But God made it clear. CRYSTAL clear.


It's fair to say that at this point the hipsters were waiting for me to leave, not because they didn't want me around but because I had been so vocal about how I didn't fit in church like they were doing.


A month ago i told the church that I work for that I wouldn't be renewing my contrat at the end of the (academic) year. That God was calling me elsewhere. It was suddenly VERY real. My commitment was true.


Then something incredible happened. Our incredible campus pastors sat the core group down and explained that things in Freedom Bristol where about to change, and as Chris spoke my heart sang, the light went on in my head and everything slid into place. What he was saying, the vision that the leadership of Freedom Church had, was so perfect for me. It was smaller, it was raw, it was community and mission focused it was how i have ALWAYS wanted to do church. It clicked.


I sat there grinning from ear to ear, saying "This IS why God called me here, I'm in 100%."


God reminded me that obedience is so important because He REALLY does know what He is doing. That He takes us out of our comfort zones for a reason.


So I am insanely excited about what is next for my church.


Yep that's right folks, I am a hipster and part of hipster church #whatofit?


But seriously, today two of the girls stood up to thank Chris and Karin and Olly and Dave for their dedication to Bristol, for how much they have loved and supported us and i found myself moved to tears. (and as we all know it takes a lot to make me cry.)


You see I have just spent the weekend with these people, their hospitality has been overwhelming, it was just such a cracking weekend.


When the girls stood there speaking and honouring these people I found myself speechless with gratitude. Grateful to a God who put these people in my life.


The reason i stuck at hipster, whilst the most part of it being the God thing, another huge part was the people. The church family, and it REALLY is a family, everyone loves and cares for each other, they honour and encourage and edify each other. They challenge and question but always with the love. These people are my family. Because of them I can overlook the lights and jumping and all that, because of these people I knew that it would be ok.


I met Pastor Gary today, (the dude who started Freedom Church.) I met his wife too. A wonderful couple, I knew I would like them, if only because anyone who is willing to humble them self and say God what do you think we should do, and change things is alright by me. So yeah I met them, great people, but I have a feeling i may have (unintentionally) offended them. As we know I am vocal with my struggles with the hipster church, i am also aware it is MY issue, not the churches, it says more about me then them. So they asked me what i thought of the morning. I was honest, it was overwhelming there was a lot of people, and that style is hard for me to deal with. I was trying to complement them. Cause you see my point is, i LOVE this church, there people, i LOVE the vision of it, the challenge, the way they accept ALL people and love without reserve to the point where i am sticking around.


I can get past my preferences because for me it is all about vision, it is about mission and community. So yes I struggle with hipster church, I ain't going to pretend otherwise. But what I love about the church, BY FAR, out weights what i would do differently.


So back to the crying thing. Today I was overwhelmed by how grateful I am to be a part of this church. This church that loves me and accepts me as I am. But loves me to much to leave me as I am so promises to challenge me and make me feel uncomfortable so that I become the woman God has called me to be. I am so thankful to call these people my friends, my family.


Yes it is soppy, and I won't apologies for that.


Because for the first time, I really feel like I belong. That I fit. That people haven't labelled me or assumed anything, they haven't boxed me in.


And that, well that is flipping awesome.



Well I think that is it for now. I need to go sleep. It's been 2 solid days of people I need to hibernate and not speak to anyone.


Toodles

The Lion King

“Yes the past can hurt but the way i see it you can either run from it or learn from it"

Some wisdom from the Lion King there.

I have been thinking a lot lately on how i let my past shape me, grow me and sometimes how I let my past stop me from moving forward. My past makes me afraid. I look at how many times i have got it wrong and been hurt and i let that shape me.

I'm trying to live in a way that i claim the freedom Christ has given me. And it is a daily battle. I wake everyday reminding myself that my self-worth comes from God and who He has made me to be not who others see me as. That everything i have and all i am is thanks to God's Grace and Love.

Because recently I've not been doing a great job at that.

At the beginning of April i met with my boss at the cafe and became clear that what advertised for was not what they wanted and that i was not the right person for the job, so i'm now only working part time as a youth worker again. It's confusing and scary and I don't like it. Mainly because now my days are drastically void of structure, not something that i do well with. I liked the structure of getting up, getting ready for work, spending time with God before and during my journey in.

Now that has gone, It's up to me to utilise the time that is given to me and most of the time i choose not to spend it with God, which means, for me, that i have been losing myself a bit.

I've suddenly found my identity is wrapped up in what my friends and boyfriend think of me. How i feel about myself dictated by the text's I receive, the amount of retweets and mentions i get. But even then I don't think I'm worthy of people's friendship and love so i only see the bad thing. I hold on to the negative so much so that i have become almost blind to the good things. I miss them completely.

But no more.

This morning I had a serious chat with myself, then God had a serious chat with me. (Cause that's how i roll) and God reminded me of the plans he has for me, that no matter what the word thinks of me it's what He thinks that counts. That no matter how many plans i make, or who includes me in them it is His plans for me that matter.

So I'm going to do better. Be even more the woman has called me to be.

I'm also going to see if I can teach myself the guitar.

I guess the good thing in this is a recognised my struggles, 6months ago i didn't see these same issues in myself. Thankfully i am an annoyingly self-aware individual so i guess I'm grateful for that, that i could yell at myself. Well currently it involves pointing at myself and shouting "Stop It."

So that's about it.

What's so good about friday?

Today is good friday. The day we eat hot crossed buns, march through the centre of town following a cross and ultimately the day we remember that Jesus gave up his life for our sins.

Did I mention the Salmon, we always eat Salmon at the parental's house.

On Easter sunday we remember Christ' sovereignty, how He IS God, how He conquered death in the ultimate act of defiance but today, well today we remember how truly human Christ was. That he was a man, a man who's friends abandoned and betrayed him. A man who questioned God, asking that "this cup" pass from him, who was stressed to the point of sweating blood. Today we remember that he was lonely, that he suffered brutal beatings, he was mocked, that a whole crowd of people said that they would rather see a convicted murderer be freed then him.

Finally, we remember that he was stripped, naked with nothing but a crown of thorns, and nailed to a cross to die.

I think as being human goes Jesus was it. Because in the last few days he experienced all the emotions and feelings that we as humans feel, shame, anger, hurt, joy, love, he questioned God. I may get into trouble for that but i don't care because i think this is what makes him so beautifully human, that he aid to the creator of heaven and earth,

"Do i really have to do it?
I don't want to?
Why me?"

How many of us say that in the course of our day?

Jesus was word become flesh, he was as human the day he died as he was the day he was born.

For me this is mind blowing, that MY God, THE one true God, would become a human, lower himself to our standards so he could experience life as we do, to show us that there is a better way of living, and in that pay the price we could never pay.

Jesus KNOWS how i feel when i have had an argument with my mum, or when i feel let down by one of my mates, he KNOWS how i feel as i sit wondering what the heck is next because i now don't have a job, he KNOWS what it is like to question God's plan for me but trust that actually He knows what He is doing. He KNOWS what it is to be abused and to forgive your abusers. He KNOWS what it is to die.

That is what is so good about friday, Jesus gets it. He KNOWS what it is to be human. Because He LOVES us. Today is good because we remember just how much God loves us.

End of Sermon

oh wait no, because on sunday we remember how Jesus was also truly God. BOOM!

feeling prophetic?

So my last post turned out to be a little bit prophetic.

Interesting.

So i was commenting on my current role as a youth worker, little realising that just round the corner i was going to have to make a big decision about my other role as a "coffee shop manager" for another church. The specifics are not important, the short story is at my 3 month review I found myself answering a question in a far more honest way then i intended. Mainly because I didn't know i felt so strongly that way.

Sorry this is all a bit cryptic.

Basically i have to decide by thursday if i regret what i said. In other words do i want to keep my job.

It is crazy, i look at my life 4months ago and i am in a completely different place, and i really wouldn't want it any other way. Despite the losses and potential losses there have been far more gains. I am happier now then i have been for a very long time, and the reason is simple, NOW i am sure that i am doing what God is asking, even if it is scary and may result in unemployment, even though it has resulted in people, including myself, being hurt. I am certain that i am really listening to what God is saying.

The reason i am so certain, cause if it was up to me my life wouldn't have changed so much. I wouldn't have said what i did in that meeting, i wouldn't be rethinking either of my jobs. My relationships would be very different.

So i try to avoid talking about my romantic life on my blog after things went wrong a few years ago and i was unwise in how i wrote, in what i wrote. Normally it is a brief statement. And that isn't going to change because i believe relationships are between the 2 people involved.

But I am in a new one now. It's exciting. It's challenging at times. But mostly it is good because i know God is in it, that I am listening to him in a way that i didn't before. Where i tried to take things into my own hands, or stopped listening thinking because he said yes for now he meant yes for always.

Silly Helen.

And that is the thing, I love my life, it is scary, and it seems to be constantly changing but mostly it is exciting. Because i know God has big plans for me and they are only plans for good, even when it doesn't seem like it. I think what blows my mind the most is the God knew my life was going to end up like this, that i was going to make the mistakes that i did, and do, and He let me, because He loves me.

If i didn't listen to him i don't think i would have the friends i have, have the chance to be part of Hipster church (which i am insanely excited about,) I would be stuck in the wrong job desperate to get out without the courage too and i don't think i would be in the relationship i am in, i would probably be stuck with some loser who has a giant forehead and stupid hair. (and no i am NOT talking about Law)

The point is, i was lost, but now I am found. I was blind, but now i see. I have been made whole again. Because I remembered that God loves me and has plans for me, and even though right now i am facing unemployment (again) and a huge upheaval in my life, i trust that God will be the guiding my next steps and it will be ok.

So that is yet another very spiritual post. Yikes. I guess i write what is going on in my heart and clearly my heart is back on track.

In less Jesus orientated news i am heading to manchester a week friday to spend what will be an EPIC weekend with Fred, Nev and Josh and i am so excited. I miss my little sis and i miss my best friend so much. I can't wait. Expect many an entertaining story when i get back.

Also, and this for me is the scariest thing, Maddie turns 1 on saturday. THIS terrifies me. I swear it was only last week i was being woken up by Elene telling me she was in labor. Where did the time go?

Well it is 10:30 which means it is bedtime.

Night folks

a thought

Apologies for having taken a break from blogging.

I have a reason, personally i think it is my best excuse yet. Recently i have found that my readership has increased, people retweeting my blog posts and such like. Which is lovely, and humbling that people think i have something worth saying. But it also meant i was fighting the urge to write for my readers and to continue this trend instead or writing for me, which is my purpose for blogging.

Journaling never worked for me, i don't know why but it didn't however blogging does, and yes it is a little self-indulgent, there are many other out there who use their blogs for good things, for passing on wisdom, or jokes, or challenges, me i write for erm me. But i am ok with that.

Well i am considering a lot lately. Particularly with regards to work and church and the future. It is scary, and relatively uncertain and a little bit heartbreaking. At the same time it is also incredibly exciting. If you are the praying sort please spare a prayer or two for me whilst i consider what God is calling me to. That i can have the humility to listen and obey.

I'm too tired to write much else. So that's all for now folks.