2nd June

So i'm not getting married in June.

Just felt i needed to verbalise it. I have had a number of messages from people trying to find out what has happened without admitting to facebook stalkery. I'm ok if people just admit they were stalking me.

It worked out well for Mrs Jewhurst. She was honest and i told her the truth!

But yeah, I'm not getting married.

There are many reasons.

But the crux of it.

I wasn't in love with him anymore.


Someone said it was a case of cold feet or a fear of intimacy. Alex asked if it was because i was a lesbian. Opinions like this bug me because it makes me feel like the other people don't know me as well as they should.

I don't make rash decisions, especially not when they impact others in such a big way. I considered everything and then realised that i had no other option left but the hard one.


It takes two to break up a relationship. I had a hand in this. As did he.

And just because i was the one who ended it doesn't mea that it doesn't hurt. Maybe not as much as for Law but there is still the knowledge of the pain i have caused him and his family.

But for now i get up and go to work and make cake for people.

I take this as a learning opportunity that like from all the others i shall grow.


thats all for now folks.
Helen

Helen - a poem by Jenny

HELEN

Hilarious, a hoot, she’s totally –
Infuriating. Twenty-three and loud,
excitable, vibrant. She’s so tiny,
yet so big –
She fills a room.
Irritating, can’t list the ways she’s –
Stubborn, doesn’t admit,
she’s wrong. Doesn’t stop,
she’s fantastically –
Awful. Man hair,
honest. She doesn’t give a –
shit, sometimes she’s the little –
One to hold,
to look after - but not.

cheesecake

Sooooo, life is changing. But i have cheesecake to get me through.

confused.com

so my head is a big bundle of confusion today and i can't tell any of you about it.

I did get some very happy news yesterday but again i can't tell any of you about it.

This sucks i wish i could talk about it. it would make things simpilar.

today

Today i, and many other wonderful people, celebrated something truly great. Something incredible and amazing. Something which changed us all.

Today we celebrated Maddy. Her birth, her life to come, her parents and the love that God has for her.

It was an incredible day. Her Godparents promised to be excellent examples, her family and friends promised to love, support and encourage her and her parents.

Den told me i was going to cry. He was kinda right. I did. But it wasn't when i said goodbye to boy, because i'm not a pansy.

It was after everyone had left, it was just Elene and Maddy and i. We were watching Maddy sleep and talking about friends and friendship.

Now i admire Elene so much. I have the greatest of love and respect for her. Our connection as friends was instant. We have been friends not even 2 years but it feels like i have known her my whole my life. She met me when i was in my darkest place and was one of those who helped pull me back to the light.

When she asked me to be Godmother i was blown away. I really didn't think she was going to ask me, i didn't expect her too, she has so many wonderful friends. But she did ask me.

And i have never been so honoured. Because being someones Godparent isn't just about being the person who may get the baby if the parent dies.

Being a Godparent is about being an "exceptional example" (to quote pastor simon today) of a follower of Christ. It is to love and support to pray for and encourage both the parents and the child.

For me this means a lot. My faith is important to me. Elene's faith is important to her. And to be told that someone respects me enough that they have chosen me put of so many others to be an example to her daughter.

Well that is incredible to me.

So i got emotional today.

And in the quite moment of just hanging out with a close friend and this beautiful bundle of joy she told me that i, and amy, moved her to tears.

Amy and i sang today. We sang the classic "i could sing of your love forever" and it was a beautiful moment. Our voices sounded so in tune with each other. And unlike the last time i sang publicly when i was so stressed i broke down this time i was able to sing and do justice to the moment.

So this made Elene cry, and it wasn't about the talent of 2 of Maddys Godparents, it was the meaning.

In our quite moment Elene shared with me the importance of friends and family and how we to her, i to her, show something of God's love.

In that moment i was reminded what it was truly about to be a christian. To do the simplest of things. To love. To show God's love. And in that moment when i was singing, that moment when i was voicing Elene's gratitude to her friends and to her saviour, when i was voicing the love she had, the love she had received, and the love i had for my Lord and the people and he has given me to share my life with, i was being completely who God called me to be.

To know that just once in your life you have honoured the God who loves you is mind blowing and humbling. And it moves you.

It moved me.

It made me realise that with Gods help i can be an excellent example.

It has been 2 years since my attack.

And forever more i will remember this day as a beautiful celebration of a life and not the horror to which i had associated it with.

The only time i thought about the history of today was in bed at 1am and i thanked Elene for many things but mainly for rescuing this day for me.

Because i love Maddy, i adore her. I can't imagine how much love Elene must have for her because for me it is overwhelming. She is astounding. From her smiles and love of water to the way she rubs her eye when she's sleepy and the joy in her face when someone she loves walks into the room. And today and on this day for the rest of time i get to think about something so perfect and good. Something of God.

It feels apt that Beyonce's halo is playing on my phone right now.

But worry not Den i'm still me. Still a little hard and sceptical.