introspection

I was reminded today of the person i was last year.

More specifically the person i was in april/may of last year during my days in the oxford centre doing my worship and spirituality module. I was an angry person. And some of it may have been justified, but for those of you who have been with me for a while you will remember that at that point i was struggling greatly with my eldest sister and our relationship.

It's still a struggle but bit by bit we are getting there. We are communicating and i couldn't be more grateful, even if it is only surface deep it is a start.

Right back to my point. I was angry. And i said some very nasty things about the Oxford students. I don't remember what i said, but it's fair to say they weren't ok with it. They have said some nasty things about me too. I don't blame them. I guess the difference is the forum that we use.

In the past i have used the internet, twitter, facebook and my blog for attacking people. And I am really sorry about that. I sincerely apologies to those that i have hurt with my words. We sometimes don't realise the impact our actions have, the impacts our words have. We have the power to build up and encourage and the power to destroy and belittle. Thats a lot of power.

Do we ever really use it wisely?

I like to think i have gotten a little better, a smidgen more wisdom when it comes to using the internet to express my feelings. Please ( and i mean this) correct me if i'm wrong, I want this to be my safe space but at the same time I want to be a person who speaks life and love and encouragement as well as challenge.

I'm slowly becoming more positive and optimistic, but it's a journey. One day I'll get there.

Today has been a somewhat introspective one. I'm working on something (I can't say what as it's for someone who may or may not read this) and it has required me to look back at my life and the journey i have made. It's been a long journey getting to this point and it has left me with many scars, physical, emotional, psychological, metaphorical, literal, colourful (you get the point) many of these scars have healed, some haven't and every now and then the old wounds open and i have to readdress the issues.

All i know is that i am ok with the person i am now.

That i am grateful that i am no longer the person i was.

And inspired to continue moving forward to becoming the person God has called me to be.

Thats the thing really isn't it. I wouldn't be me without God. He changed my life, God is the reason I get up in the morning and go to work. I am so blessed to have a God who wants to know me and inspires me to want to change the world because I have seen the change he has made in me.

I'm a lucky girl, i have a great life, amazing friends and family. I have people who make we want to be better, and who encourage and challenge me to do this.

Anyway I've been told off for not sleeping so i should probably go.

Apologies for the incoherent thoughts. Just some stuff that was on my mind. There is more I'm still processing.

Night y'all