introspection

I was reminded today of the person i was last year.

More specifically the person i was in april/may of last year during my days in the oxford centre doing my worship and spirituality module. I was an angry person. And some of it may have been justified, but for those of you who have been with me for a while you will remember that at that point i was struggling greatly with my eldest sister and our relationship.

It's still a struggle but bit by bit we are getting there. We are communicating and i couldn't be more grateful, even if it is only surface deep it is a start.

Right back to my point. I was angry. And i said some very nasty things about the Oxford students. I don't remember what i said, but it's fair to say they weren't ok with it. They have said some nasty things about me too. I don't blame them. I guess the difference is the forum that we use.

In the past i have used the internet, twitter, facebook and my blog for attacking people. And I am really sorry about that. I sincerely apologies to those that i have hurt with my words. We sometimes don't realise the impact our actions have, the impacts our words have. We have the power to build up and encourage and the power to destroy and belittle. Thats a lot of power.

Do we ever really use it wisely?

I like to think i have gotten a little better, a smidgen more wisdom when it comes to using the internet to express my feelings. Please ( and i mean this) correct me if i'm wrong, I want this to be my safe space but at the same time I want to be a person who speaks life and love and encouragement as well as challenge.

I'm slowly becoming more positive and optimistic, but it's a journey. One day I'll get there.

Today has been a somewhat introspective one. I'm working on something (I can't say what as it's for someone who may or may not read this) and it has required me to look back at my life and the journey i have made. It's been a long journey getting to this point and it has left me with many scars, physical, emotional, psychological, metaphorical, literal, colourful (you get the point) many of these scars have healed, some haven't and every now and then the old wounds open and i have to readdress the issues.

All i know is that i am ok with the person i am now.

That i am grateful that i am no longer the person i was.

And inspired to continue moving forward to becoming the person God has called me to be.

Thats the thing really isn't it. I wouldn't be me without God. He changed my life, God is the reason I get up in the morning and go to work. I am so blessed to have a God who wants to know me and inspires me to want to change the world because I have seen the change he has made in me.

I'm a lucky girl, i have a great life, amazing friends and family. I have people who make we want to be better, and who encourage and challenge me to do this.

Anyway I've been told off for not sleeping so i should probably go.

Apologies for the incoherent thoughts. Just some stuff that was on my mind. There is more I'm still processing.

Night y'all

La La La

I simply adore mix CD's receiving them and making them. I made one for Josh recently and my chum Andy. That was great sharing with them some of my favourite songs.

I also like it when people share with me theirs. Currently i am awaiting Andy's mix CD for me.

The other day i got one. It was charming. So i am making one in return.

For lent i have given up watching TV and Films as i spend a bit too much time letting them take over my life. Especially the West Wing. This means i have lots more time. Especially today. And part of that is devoting the time to God but another part of it is doing something creative or different. About rediscovering the things i love.

Today i have spent the entire day listening to music. Finding my favourite songs old and new. Rediscovering the bands that i love. It has been bliss.

Life really is pretty good at the moment.

My big sister and i have communicated some more which IS exciting. I am a happy Helen

What's love got to do with it?

So my last post was about (in parts) my January manifesto.

Excellent.

Well it is now february. And thus i have a new manifesto. This one is slightly harder, how do i know that i have achieved some of these things. Any who I am thinking of one in particular that i have set out to do today.

"Listen to love songs until you actually cry"

It takes a lot to get me to cry, I'n not overly emotional. But i have taken the day off work due to having the dreaded lergy, so thought why not achieving something with my day off. So i made myself a love song playlist (because no i do not have one already) and pressed play.

Well more than anything i just sang along in my croaky cold voice which was depressing and made me want to cry but for all the wrong reasons.

And then i saw my photo album, the one Peach made me for being her maid of honour. This photo album made me cry when she gave it to me, as on the second page was a photo of a friend and her incredible father who had sadly passed away 2 years ago. This mixed with the sheer exhaustion i was feeling, the AWFUL experience of breaking down during my duet with Katie, having seen Peach who has sworn she was never going to get married actually tie the knot, and a fair amount of wine meant i was crying like a little girl. But that was due to said contributing factors.

So i flicked through it (no tears this time) but it got me pondering. Why is it that people can get so emotional when listening to songs. And i know this because i do it. But I am reckoning it is because it reminds us of something or someone.

They are wrapped up in our memories.

For example, Hey There Delilah ALWAYS makes me think of Josh, it's our song. Guns 'n' Roses frequently makes me emotional as they remind me of a late friend. And Lady Marmalade makes me want to bust a move with Abbi remembering Joe's surprise birthday.

I think music is incredible, it speaks to us, it is so natural to so many people, whether you can carry a tune or not i bet you sing along to the radio. We are drawn together to sing worship to God. Music is used for so much, celebrating, mourning, loving. It comes from the soul. It speaks to the soul.

There is something about a song that just connects with how you feel in that exact moment. Where it is almost as if it is your own song.

So i haven't succeeded in listening to love songs until i cry, because unless I am connecting with it, unless it is routed in a memory it means nothing to me. I can listen to songs on breaking someone's heart and that makes me feel something, it reminds me of the pain i have caused not just recently but over the years, I can listen to songs about lost loves and feel an affinity, I can even listen to the Rainbow Connection and think of life right now. (darn it)

Not really sure any of that makes any sense.

But it's fair to say my connection with a song should be real and then my response will be.

So i leave you with one of my favourite songs