Post hoc ergo propter hoc

21st January

2012-01-22T08:41:00.002Z

Yesterday was one month till Freds birthday.

It was a good day. It was a great day.

It ended with a cracking conversation with a very wise friend. He informed me that his job wasn't to judge or tell me what to do but question why i make those decisions.

He asked me 2 questions.

I love that, when someone is brave enough to ask you questions that are tough, that require thought and challenge, that require you to search yourself.

THAT's what I'm talking about in friendship. People who hold you accountable.

Staples

2012-01-18T07:41:00.000Z

So i'm reading a grief observed by mr clive staples (C.S) Lewis.

It is his own thoughts and journalling written shortly after the death of his wife Helen. And it is simply beautiful, raw and challenging.

In chapter 3 he remarks that the Bible says it will not be easy being a Christian and that Jesus even promised 'blessed are those who mourn'

To quote
"I've got nothing that i hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination. Yes; but should it, for a sane man, make quite such a difference as this? No. And it wouldn't for a man whose faith had been real faith and whose concern for other people's sorrow and been real concern."

He goes on to berate himself for effectively being selfish for not caring and loving and empathising enough about others about the 'sorrows of the world'

Just something to ponder.

P

2012-01-16T21:48:00.005Z

I am a promise.

I am a possibility.

I am a great big bundle of potentiality.

And i am learning, to hear God's voice,

And i am trying to make the right choice.

Cause i'm a promise to be anything God wants me to be.

Or so says Junior Asparagus.

I had this song stuck in my head the other day, i literally woke up and i couldn't get it out. Then i went to hipster church and the talk was on potential, and asparagus.

Erm ...

Ok fine i get the point.

I feel like God has been reminding me a lot of the potential He has placed in me. The dreams He has given me. I am feeling somewhat inspired of late.

I have an exciting 2 weeks ahead of me. Seeing people that I love, mainly Maddy though, the gorgeous bundle of love that is my Goddaughter. Saying that i also get to see 2 of my lovely cousins. AND DEBZ! huzzah. Not to mention i am still loving my job and enjoy being there everyday. Youthwork is as challenging as always though a young person praying for a "boom ting time" is definitely a high light.

I still find myself struggling with forgiveness.

Predominantly forgiving myself for how much I hurt L. Yes we were both at fault and he hurt me greatly, but that doesn't change the fact that i really hurt him. So am processing that.

Thats all for now folks.

Sam

2012-01-14T22:25:00.001Z

This is for my brother-in-law.
He likes monkeys.
He also likes my sister.
And my other sisters boyfriend WAY too much.

Chris!

2012-01-11T16:57:00.003Z

I LOVE Chris, her and i had a flipping wonderful day together on saturday and I want EVERYONE to know.

Other than that I went to a new Church on Sunday evening.

Now don't get me wrong I love the Church that i work for and the community within that. But there is only 2 people my age in it and we rarely get the chance to hang out as i am super busy on sunday mornings. Thats the real reason, i'm so busy on sundays that i rarely get time to sit and chill out, to learn and grow.

As is the way with church workers. We are so busy that we forget to stop.

I decided to go along to a church where no one knows I'm a youth worker and i can just sit and be still for a while.

So i went along to Freedom Bristol, a church plant that a friend of mine is involved in. It is what i like to call "hipster church." It's trying to be different and that's not bad, they have looked at the culture which they want to impact (predominantly Uni students,) and are trying to appeal to that, so there is lots of lights, and video, and original worship rock style, and hype.

I don't do hype, i do not woop or cheer.

I like to say Huzzah!

So this, this hype is not cool with my style or worship. I'm not saying it is wrong it's just not me.

Cause me, my faith is simple, my way of worship is simple. I don't connect with hype.

But the teaching was really good, and that i connect with. I guess it just makes me wonder, what are we selling people. Whey they come to church what do we want them to leave with?

Just a ponder

inspire

2012-01-03T20:31:00.003Z

So New Years is that time of year where we look behind us at what has shaped and moulded us over the last 365 days and what we are looking forward to in the next.

So i have been making bad decisions lately.

Not the one about the sad demise of my relationship, that may have been one of the 3 good decisions I have made of late. It's not good in the sense that i hurt some one, and i have to forgive myself for that every day, to allow myself to be forgiven every day. But good in the sense that it was the right thing to do.

I was making bad decisions before that, one of the many reasons my relationship ended, i continued to make bad decisions afterwards.

Not awful ones.

Just unhealthy, ones which compromised my walk with the almighty.

And i think it was because i had ceased to look for Him in my life, to look for His inspiration, for what made me fall in love with Him. My life was good, it was nearing perfect. On paper it was great. So why did i need God. #rhetoricalquestion

Then i made these string of bad decisions, and my world drastically changed, and i looked for and asked God's guidance at times but ultimately i kept him at a distance.

I'm sure there is some profound reason why but currently i don't know it. I think i was possibly just having, like many christians have, a time where God wasn't in my everything.
But then i found God's inspiration.

I was told something which required a response. And my response shocked me. This response meant that i needed to really pray about something. Something I'm still praying about. This person, inspired me to seek after God. In part this seeking is about one thing, but really this seeking after God has come back round to me. To who i am, to whom God has made me to be, to where God is leading me.

Suddenly I am inspired to seek after Gods heart for my life. Really I'm just inspired to seek after Gods heart. To what made me chose to follow Him in the first place.

And this scares me.

But in a good way.

Because change and possibility are exciting, and they involve risk. I've taken risks in the past, and they ended up with a good man getting hurt. Because i stopped listening to God. So this time. My risks will be done in Gods strength and not mine.

Hence the reason my first day at Horfield was amazing. I'm one step closer to my dream, and i don't think i would be without God's inspiration in my life.

2nd June

2011-12-15T08:31:00.002Z

So i'm not getting married in June.

Just felt i needed to verbalise it. I have had a number of messages from people trying to find out what has happened without admitting to facebook stalkery. I'm ok if people just admit they were stalking me.

It worked out well for Mrs Jewhurst. She was honest and i told her the truth!

But yeah, I'm not getting married.

There are many reasons.

But the crux of it.

I wasn't in love with him anymore.

Someone said it was a case of cold feet or a fear of intimacy. Alex asked if it was because i was a lesbian. Opinions like this bug me because it makes me feel like the other people don't know me as well as they should.

I don't make rash decisions, especially not when they impact others in such a big way. I considered everything and then realised that i had no other option left but the hard one.

It takes two to break up a relationship. I had a hand in this. As did he.

And just because i was the one who ended it doesn't mea that it doesn't hurt. Maybe not as much as for Law but there is still the knowledge of the pain i have caused him and his family.

But for now i get up and go to work and make cake for people.

I take this as a learning opportunity that like from all the others i shall grow.

thats all for now folks.
Helen

Helen - a poem by Jenny

2011-12-13T20:13:00.001Z

HELEN

Hilarious, a hoot, she’s totally –
Infuriating. Twenty-three and loud,
excitable, vibrant. She’s so tiny,
yet so big –
She fills a room.
Irritating, can’t list the ways she’s –
Stubborn, doesn’t admit,
she’s wrong. Doesn’t stop,
she’s fantastically –
Awful. Man hair,
honest. She doesn’t give a –
shit, sometimes she’s the little –
One to hold,
to look after - but not.

cheesecake

2011-12-12T23:27:00.001Z

Sooooo, life is changing. But i have cheesecake to get me through.

confused.com

2011-12-11T22:27:00.001Z

so my head is a big bundle of confusion today and i can't tell any of you about it.

I did get some very happy news yesterday but again i can't tell any of you about it.

This sucks i wish i could talk about it. it would make things simpilar.

today

2011-12-04T22:06:00.001Z

Today i, and many other wonderful people, celebrated something truly great. Something incredible and amazing. Something which changed us all.

Today we celebrated Maddy. Her birth, her life to come, her parents and the love that God has for her.

It was an incredible day. Her Godparents promised to be excellent examples, her family and friends promised to love, support and encourage her and her parents.

Den told me i was going to cry. He was kinda right. I did. But it wasn't when i said goodbye to boy, because i'm not a pansy.

It was after everyone had left, it was just Elene and Maddy and i. We were watching Maddy sleep and talking about friends and friendship.

Now i admire Elene so much. I have the greatest of love and respect for her. Our connection as friends was instant. We have been friends not even 2 years but it feels like i have known her my whole my life. She met me when i was in my darkest place and was one of those who helped pull me back to the light.

When she asked me to be Godmother i was blown away. I really didn't think she was going to ask me, i didn't expect her too, she has so many wonderful friends. But she did ask me.

And i have never been so honoured. Because being someones Godparent isn't just about being the person who may get the baby if the parent dies.

Being a Godparent is about being an "exceptional example" (to quote pastor simon today) of a follower of Christ. It is to love and support to pray for and encourage both the parents and the child.

For me this means a lot. My faith is important to me. Elene's faith is important to her. And to be told that someone respects me enough that they have chosen me put of so many others to be an example to her daughter.

Well that is incredible to me.

So i got emotional today.

And in the quite moment of just hanging out with a close friend and this beautiful bundle of joy she told me that i, and amy, moved her to tears.

Amy and i sang today. We sang the classic "i could sing of your love forever" and it was a beautiful moment. Our voices sounded so in tune with each other. And unlike the last time i sang publicly when i was so stressed i broke down this time i was able to sing and do justice to the moment.

So this made Elene cry, and it wasn't about the talent of 2 of Maddys Godparents, it was the meaning.

In our quite moment Elene shared with me the importance of friends and family and how we to her, i to her, show something of God's love.

In that moment i was reminded what it was truly about to be a christian. To do the simplest of things. To love. To show God's love. And in that moment when i was singing, that moment when i was voicing Elene's gratitude to her friends and to her saviour, when i was voicing the love she had, the love she had received, and the love i had for my Lord and the people and he has given me to share my life with, i was being completely who God called me to be.

To know that just once in your life you have honoured the God who loves you is mind blowing and humbling. And it moves you.

It moved me.

It made me realise that with Gods help i can be an excellent example.

It has been 2 years since my attack.

And forever more i will remember this day as a beautiful celebration of a life and not the horror to which i had associated it with.

The only time i thought about the history of today was in bed at 1am and i thanked Elene for many things but mainly for rescuing this day for me.

Because i love Maddy, i adore her. I can't imagine how much love Elene must have for her because for me it is overwhelming. She is astounding. From her smiles and love of water to the way she rubs her eye when she's sleepy and the joy in her face when someone she loves walks into the room. And today and on this day for the rest of time i get to think about something so perfect and good. Something of God.

It feels apt that Beyonce's halo is playing on my phone right now.

But worry not Den i'm still me. Still a little hard and sceptical.

be careful what you text

2011-11-22T10:02:00.003Z

Root Mcc moaned at me just the other day because i hadn't blogged in ages.

My sincerest apologies Root and anyone else who cares.

I could fill you in on the boring aspects of my life. Mainly people asking me how wedding plans are going and assuming that it is all i want to talk about. Seriously, people seriously!! Do i really strike you as the kinda girl who wants to talk about it. There i so much more to be then a white dress and flowers.

ARGH!

So this may well turn out to be more of a rant.

I am incredible angry at the moment. Which makes me even more angry because i had dealt with it. I had let it go, i had found joy again.

Yet here i am with a weight on my heart so heavy i can feel it. It hurts.

As you all know my sister isn't talking to me. And it is horrible i hate it. And i have tried again and again, i told her i was getting married and all she said was "i know" but still i tried. I don't bitch about her to our family and friends. I think only good things about her and i love her. But i am not going to force myself on when clearly she wants nothing to do with me. Mainly because i'm not sure my heart can cope with anymore of her rejection.

I have been told that it is my own pride getting in the way that i just need to sort it out. Those comments hurt. I want NOTHING more then to have my sister back, if any of you have sisters you would get it, there is something about sisterhood that is so beautiful, that no matter how much you fight or how far away you just KNOW that they love you and are there to fight your corner.

So the idea that i would let my pride get in the way of having that back, of having the conversations about cookie making, or silly christian cliches like socks and sandals or joking about the "theme" of the worship words backdrop. Well that just hurts, i love my sister. She doesn't want me in her life. So i am respecting that and taking a step back.

But today i got a text from a mutual friend of ours. He had been chatting with a very close friend of mine on the train and they had decided that they had solved the problem. He texted us both saying we should just bang our heads together and love each other like we once did.

Well screw you sir.

I STILL love my sister as much as i always have, possibly more so to compensate for the fact that she doesn't love me.

They BOTH may have got a nasty reply. I am fed up with the blame. And especially at the friend he is talking to because they KNOW how much i hate this, i have told them enough times.

And so i am angry at these two people. This guy was the ONLY person i felt i could talk to when i was a teenager. He was the first person i told about my self-harm. I trusted him with some of my biggest secrets. He should know better. ANd don;t get me started on her or i will go on forever.

Somewhere along the line people got the impression that it is acceptable to disregard both sides of the story and form an opinion on just one side, and with that they then have the right to tell you what to do.

I have friend's because they hold me accountable they question me, they challenge me, they help me to grow. But they know when to do this and how. And i think it is sooo important to have this.

but it SHOULD not be done by a text out of the blue with some half-arsed not thought out opinion.

Like i said i am really angry. And hurt, i may have once been the girl who fell out with people for no reason. But not anymore. Yes i sometimes stop talking to people and cut them out of my life, but only when it has gone too far and i can't take the pain anymore. I stand up for myself. I tell people when they have upset me. And i think this is healthy.

We live in a society which says we should hide our feelings, (or go to the other extreme and post it all over facebook.) You don't tell someone when you like them, and you don't tell them when they have hurt you.

I have just finished reading Bridget Jones: Edge of reason, the book is full of misunderstandings and mind games never saying what they actually think or feel. Bridget is terrified or letting Mark know how much he cares, how much she wants him in her life, she consults numerous contradicting self-help books for reasons why she behaves the way she does but rarely does it involve admitting the truth.

I watched a few minutes of "made" today where a boy was given the advice of "never tell a girl how much you like her." MAybe it's just me but i think there is nothing more manly then a man being vulnerable enough to tell you he likes you, to tell you he loves you.

I expect my friends to tell me when i have gone too far, when i have hurt their feelings. How else am i going to learn? Surely if i don't know then i will just keep doing it again and again hurting that person again and again. I tell my friends that they have hurt me not out of some self-righteous i am perfect thing but because i don't want it to happen again.

Not please get that i am not always going up to my friends giving them lists of reasons why i hate them. It is a rare thing, all in all because most of my friends are amazing. But if they do cause me pain then i let them know. Because it helps us learn and grow as human beings, it helps us to be better people.

Paul even tels us that if you have a problem with a brother first and formost speak to him about it. Don't gossip and make the situation worse and don't let it fester so that it consumes you to the point where you are so angry you can't breathe and you forget how to feel joy and love.

So i am pissed at these 2 people, they were out of line, even if they think they were being helpful. And i told them. Maybe i should have been a bit nicer.

After a year and a half of this, i am just fed up with being blamed.

I just want my sister back and people to stop telling me to "sort it out" trust me i would if i could. And i will welcome her back with open arm's when she is ready, because she is my sister and i choose to love her.

2011-10-07T23:05:00.002+01:00

You know what one of the best feelings in the world is?

The feeling of being reconciled with someone you love.

Years ago my Fred rang me at 6:30am asking me to pray, and then spend 2 hours on the phone with me telling me what had been going on in her life for the past 2 years. Mainly because she hadn't spoken to me in that amount of time. That was a great day.

The day i realised i needed God was also a great day.

The day i stopped being a little shit to my mother was a great day.

I look forward to many more great days, when people who care about each other make an effort to reconcile their differences and give their relationship a second chance.

Today is another great day, a friend texted me, one whom i haven't spoken to properly in over a year. We had a disagreement at soul survivor and well stopped talking. Things started to get better this year at soul and now things are really on the up. It is a great day.

To jesus juke it up, i get how i love the feeling of having someone back who i lost is immense, jut how much more so is that of when someone turns their life back to the way we are called to live by christ? JC must be completely over the moon when these days and moments happen.

Nick and I had a chat a few weeks ago, we were driving up to the barn and getting to know each other better, (nick is Peach's husband,) and we got chatting about the human condition in particular people groups. We started exploring the idea of community, how as humans, we crave intimacy and human contact, we crave to be part of something bigger than ourselves we crave to be part of a community. Even introverts share this craving.

Social networking is huge, online games when you are part of something can take over people's lives. The sheer volume of football fans each rooting for their team. Something in us desires to be part of something more, to be linked with others. It's why apple have done so well with their products, they don't just sell a product they sell a lifestyle which makes you part of the community.

It is not just people of faith who band together in community looking for a higher purpose, though we are the most obvious groups that do so, even atheists (though i guess they are a faith group of sorts) band together to be part of something. I recently watched a talk by Dawkins where he called for atheists to unite and stand together. For someone so opposed to religion he really sounded like a religious leader. Calling his brothers and sister to declare their faith and defend it. People do this with sports teams, PC vs Mac, social groups, religion, careers.

Something in us craves community.

We crave to be reconciled with our fellow humans.

I get this is nothing new. In fact it's old news.

But thinking on this idea of the joy in reconciliation makes me think of how closely it is tied with the joy of community. One keeps the other going or does it work both ways. Communities grow when we give each others second chances, but because we give second chances because we want to be in community with them.

Well thats its for my thoughts today.

Bedtime, night folks!

Oh and ...

2011-09-13T00:30:00.002+01:00

... currently my hand are very feminine! Like nice nails and stuff.

WEIRD.

Normally it's chipped nail varnish and smudges.

a wop bablooba a wap bam boom

2011-08-25T19:48:00.002+01:00

Hola folks. Hows life?

I keep sitting down to write a blog and then getting distracted, currently my distraction is pottermore i'm in Gryffindor (encase you were wondering) this makes me a GOOD guy, unlike Fred, she's in slytherin thus= bad guy.

Ruth has a theory that my family is the Weasley's, something to do with the 7 kids and the mother is well made to be a mother. That and a big brother who works for a bank and happens to have an exceptionally attractive wife. This belief has let to many discussion's on who is who when it comes to the rest of the Weasley's. It has now been decided that J and I are Fred and George, myself being the latter as J can't cope with being either Holy or none=symmetrical.

Oh how i love my sister.

Seriously, she's awesome. If somewhat preoccupied with herself.

But all this talk of the Weasley's and family has gotten me thinking more and more about family and the grace we so often have to show them.

My big sister isn't talking to me, this is no real secret and i still don't really know why. Other then she has a false image of me in her head. For a while i was beating myself up, figuring out what i could do to fix all of this and make it better and then i had this realisation that there is NOTHING i can do. It's up to her, if she wants to see me as the bad guy that is her choice.

But this means i have to remember Grace.

And i am talking about the biblical idea of it.

The idea that we should forgive and love unconditionally and show mercy, that we shouldn't hold a grudge. All of these things are hard when it's someone so important to you, and for me it's hard because i don't understand the logic behind her behaviour, and i deal best with logic as i am really a Vulcan. But that's neither here nor there. What i know is despite all the things that she thinks and says and does about/to me. I know that i love her unconditionally. That her views and belief's don't matter to me but it is the individual that does, The girl who taught me to tie my shoe laces.

Grace is hard though, because it means we have to do something, we have to actively forgive those who do wrong and hurt us. And it might only be a little thing, like forgiving someone for being late and not holding it over them. But God, well God showed us grace in it's truest form. Forgiving us ALL, no question's asked no strings attached, and CHOOSING not to hold our past against us, choosing to love.

I struggle to do that with my sister.

So i guess there are times when i struggle how God can choose to do that with every person who lives. And yes to be forgiven we must ask for forgiveness but God gives it freely.

And this is where i think the church gets lost.

The church comes with strings attached, to join, to be a christian we are expected to behave a certain way, be a certain type of person, condemn certain types of behaviour. JUDGE people. Well that's my experience, in the last few weeks i have heard Christians bicker amongst themselves over which denomination is most biblical and which is a cult, how believing in one thing leads to hell but something else leads to heaven.

We seem to have lost the grace.

I don't think JC came to tell us what not to do, or who to judge.

I think he came to inspire us.

To show us what real, radical love looked like, to show us a grace, a way of loving that changes you and the world. It inspires you to strive after a heart that is in sync with the maker.
I don't forgive because i have to, i forgive because i am inspired by the forgiveness God has shown me and i want to be more like that, because i think the world needs a lil more love.

So this is a bit of a mish mash of thoughts.

apologies.

its late and i am being distracted by a conversation on joint bank accounts. Yep i have become that person.

oooh strong stench of weed coming from next door to add to the fun.

Whilst my mind is fascinated by theology my blog isn't about preaching or arguing about what it is right or wrong. I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just wanting to share what my thoughts are and where my heart is.

People have mentioned that i should back up my points more and blah blah blah, but dudes I'm done with uni, no more academic papers for a while please!!

Oh so exciting news my brother and my cousin got married over the Summer. YAY!

Peach is getting married in weeks, i still want to kill most of her bridesmaids but what can you do.

And I'm getting married on June 2nd 2012.

Looks like wedding season isn't over yet.

Well I'm off to go finish my potion which is now brewed. Catch you on the flip side folks!

story

2011-07-20T23:38:00.002+01:00

i posted THIS a few years ago.

Its my own personal bucket list.

I've been thinking about it today. I haven't read it in well over a year.

I don't think i have achieved any of those things yet, and there are some that i may never know that i have completed. How do you know if you have seen the perfect sunrise or not?! or had the perfect cup of coffee?! or if you have changed a strangers life?!

You don't, but 'm ok with that.

But there is one that i am will have done come september. That is to sing on a stage.

For Peach's wedding i will be singing a duet with the lovely Katie whilst they sign the register and i am both super and excited and super nervous.

But there is another i am thinking of how to start and this is the "to write a book" one. I'm considering compiling a collection of testimonies. But unlike DC Talks "Jesus Freaks" it will not be a least of martyr's and the seemingly out of the ordinary testimonies where it is all dramatic and miraculous but stories of the "ordinary" the "average" people. Those that just knew.

An example is my dad at the age of 13 he applied science and logic, he realised he could not disprove God and thus he must exist. Or the unsung hero's which are the housewives who spent years just being good mothers and members of their communities praying for their husbands and children. Or my big sister who doesn't understand the phrase "born-again" christian because she has always had a belief that God is who God is.

So yeah, thats my thoughts (well ruth's as well) let me know if you want to share your story.

result

2011-07-20T12:56:00.000+01:00

So am sat on the train back to the shire for a flying Peach’s wedding related visit. Its 00:33 and man am I crazy tired. Work was fairly manic tonight but as always loads of fun.

So on Tuesday, well I think it was Tuesday, I got my results for my final modules. A high 2:2 by the looks of it. 2 points of a 2:1 and to say I was gutted was an understatement. When I started the course I was on line for a 1st. But then well shit happened.

Now I am well aware that I am a snob, and I push myself hard and expect myself to always do my best and live up to my full potential. This is a wonderful trait that I picked up from my family.

I’m one of the less clever ones in my family. Which is annoying to say the least. One of my sisters is Einstein level intelligence, and she’s taller then me, strike that 2 of my sisters are like this. And the rest are all freakishly clever too. I have dealt with this honest, mainly cause I got the social skills and found what I wanted to do with my life and it isn’t an office job, thank God.

But I still every now and then feeling frustrated at myself for not being as academic as them and not doing as well. But mainly my annoyance was at myself for not living up to my potential and what I know I am capable of.

And then the very lovely Ruth reminded me to see the bigger picture.

Well a lot of people did to be fair but some were unhelpful in their kind-heartedness.

But miss RootMcC took me to our safe place, coffee in hand and reminded me that I was already overly emotional this week so lacking in the logical bigger picture department but more importantly reminded me of the specific things that I had been through and the fact that at one point there were people who weren’t even sure that I would finish the degree.

“I’ll play
You sing
The perfect way for the evening to begin!!
And I wont sit down
And I won’t shut up
Most of all I will not grow up!”

Sorry blogging interrupted by Frank Turner, that and the numerous Take That fans sat on the train, lovely women just REALLY FLIPPING NOISEY!

So back to my results (because the world really does revolve around me!)

So yes I was given some perspective on what I have accomplished this year. But I was also reminded that I am a DARN GOOD youth worker. I am not the best, I shall freely admit to that. But I am really good at what I do. This includes knowing when to ask for help, coming up with ideas, relationship building and knowing when I am no longer part of a young person’s life.

Oh I am also rather organised which is a fairly important skill (Ruth assures me of this.) And I’m punctual. I like that trait of mine.

But yes, I’m good at what I do and my grades don’t really say anything about how good I am at my job, they just tell me how good (or not) I am at writing an essay. And that really isn’t a usable skill.

But it is hard isn’t it. To remember that what the world tells us is important really isn’t what God tells us is important. We are encouraged in our society to always beat others. I’ve never seen the apprentice but I hear about it a lot and from twitter and friends and what I can tell it is about one-up man ship and walking all over people to get ahead. We are told doing well at Uni will get us great jobs with loads of pay and fulfil us.

But you know what, the Bible tells us that Jesus came to give us life and life in all its fullness. And that life isn’t about money or doing well at uni but living a life that is after God’s heart

Well I took a 2 week long pause after writing that section and am now in coffee beach in Bristol avoiding doing some editing. My bad.

So a few weeks on and I can still safely say I am really proud of my degree results. That I have done something that halfway through no one thought I would complete. And I am doing the job that I love.

What’s more I have just had a meeting with an ex CYM student to talk about streetspace and my involvement and once again making me even more excited about where God is taking me and what is in my future.

Doing my degree has made it possible for m to do these things but the result does not define how well I do it. And not to blow my own trumpet too much but I am a pretty good youth worker.

400

2011-05-26T09:26:00.003+01:00

So i wanted my 400th post to be a good one which means i have been waiting till i finished the below post before i wrote any more so if you all be lucky there will be an abundance of blogs in the next few days!

Recently for one of my modules i have been reading this book by the Lord Carey of Clifton, who was the then Archbishop of Canterbury. In this book, "Spiritual Journey: The Archbishop of Canterbury's Pilgrimage to Taize with Young People" bit of a mouthful but an incredible book all the same.

This book tells the story of how the Archbishop organised a pilgrimage of almost 1000 young people from the Anglican denomination to the community in Taize looking to explore together what spirituality is, to explore their journey as equals. I won't tell you much more as its something you should read for yourselves.

I started reading this book as Josh and i are doing a seminar on Spiritual Journeys for what was to be our next few days in lectures. Reading this i picked out a few themes that really helped us to understand what this was all about which we then, unknowingly, used for our own spiritual journey.

At the end of May 6 of us from BCYM went on a spiritual retreat in the new forest and it was an incredible few days. 3 boys, 3 girls 2 tents and a well structured plan for the next few days. After the setting the tent up we decided on some ground rules, no technology, (with the exception of the ipod during worship and phones in emergencies) no belittling humour, and to maintain a servant attitude.

The essences of this being we are ALL equal and valued members of the group. This was something the The Lord Carey talked about in his book, that we are all equal and on the same journey together regardless of our position or place in society. He tells us how he said to the 1000 young people that he was a pilgram alongside them and did not want them to treat him any differently.

The wonderful thing about our time together was this equality that we shared that all members of the group were valid and loved and had a right to decide. We fell into an easy rhythm, it felt natural for the women to do the cooking whilst the men did the cleaning there was no discussion it just was.

I could spend hours talking about my experience but i shall narrow it down to a few specifics!

My first being this wonderful time that we shared on the first night. We had it in the plan to have communion and gather around the fire pit just hanging out. The communion was about celebration, we had a glass of wine and a slice of bread (cake) and we enjoyed what Christ has done for us mainly by sharing stories of how we came to faith and just being completely vulnerable, for the sake of honouring our time together i wont go into the details but it was just an incredibly deep time together that set the tone for the whole retreat.

As mentioned before we had a set itinerary for the next few days and one of the first things for the second day was exercise. Well when asked what i did for exercise i mentioned that i walked around Bristol (we do have lots of hills.) So the idea was raised to go for a walk.

Well we walked.

What should have been an hour lasted us 4 maybe 5 hour, we had a bottle of water each (with a few extra's in bens bag) a rice cake each and a cereal bar. Oh and a few chocolate buttons. We barely felt the hunger and the thirst of walking until 4:30 in the afternoon, no one argued when we got last and instead just enjoyed the pleasure of the forrest and of each others company. There was much climbing of trees and Gladiator style battles. We even had an incredible moment of making music with the walking sicks we had found. It was so simple but the whole journey felt like an act of worship discovering God in relationships and in His creation.

After getting home we had a wonderful time of unplanned silence where everyone went off and did their own thing, be it sleeping reading or just being.

That night again we found ourselves deviating from the plan and having a different form of worship, i planned a playlist of songs we would all know and metaphorically (and in some cases literally) fell to our knees in praise. It was beautiful, almost as if one voice was crying out.

it moved us.

for the first time in 3 years we were completely ourselves in worship with the people that we went to uni with.

Like i said i could write forever about my experience but instead i will finish with the reality of how this has affected me.

Before i mentioned my issues with anger and rage. I spoke to God about this beforehand and whilst in the forest i felt none of these emotions, this is something that has carried through to even now. It has been a challenge and i have had to chose no to be angry (especially in the last few days) and that is not to say that sometimes anger is not the right option but i was all about the rage as opposed to the anger.

So i am lighter and less angry i can talk about my sister and instead of feeling anger at hr i just feel sadness but not one that rules my life. I can talk about the things that frustrate me and instead of wanting to punch someone i just shrug and move on.

And all of this means i feel like myself again.

I am also less worried and less frantic and feel less like i need to prove myself to the world. Finishing my degree was no longer an uphill battle and something that my identity rested upon (especially the grade) but it was a formality and just another experience in life.

I feel that turning to God is the easiest thing in the world, and i know i will have struggles again. But for the time being i am so grateful for my time away with those 5 amazing people and look forward to our next adventure.

But ultimately i am grateful that God allowed us that time and humbled me enough to allow for real change.

So thats my 400th blog entry.

Community and Clothes

2011-05-16T14:56:00.003+01:00

So apparently i have a few new followers, welcome guys appreciate it.

So two things one the church weekend away, and two clothes. Yep you heard me right and i promise it won't be a rant.

So numero uno.
This weekend the church shipped itself off to Quantock Lodge in the Quantock hills (near Bridgewater.) I love church holidays, the community building is just great. Lots of stuff happened and was talked about that was great.
I loved discussing the greatness of Harry Potter and exploring what holiness meant. Discussing the virtue of the word of God being the bible vs the virtue of the word of God being Jesus and what that means. Playing games, having moments of stillness and quite contemplation. And all that comes with that.

But this is not what stood out the most for me. For me it was the lack of anger i felt, even when a certain member was incredibly rude to me. I was happy and content. But mostly it was that sense of unity.

2 young people started a puzzle on the saturday night, an incredibly complicated one and couldn't finish it before bedtime. They informed myself and another person that we could do some more but not finish it so we started and then found ourselves struggling to leave it to go up to bed. The next day we started on the puzzle again and found that other people had joined us. By the time we had left most people from the church had been involved with the puzzle.

Honestly it was beautiful, everyone bringing their knowledge and skills of jigsaw puzzles, bringing fresh eyes too it and joining in with the conversation around the table. Something so simple had bought the church together. A really good moment for us, a real moment of communitas.

Numero dos

today i am in oxford for my worship and spirituality module and during the day the subject of what we wear to church came up. Now i am the kinda girl who is incredibly comfortable in her baggy jeans and varying t-shirts, shirts, tops. All appropriate whist not making me un-relatable to the young people i work with. Basically i go for comfort and stylish whilst not going ott on "style." Or something like that. Whatever it is i put in minimal effort to make myself presentable. But even with this i find myself leaning towards the idea of "sunday best." That one day a week, the sabbath you dress up for God.

The argument against is this idea of coming as you are, that God knows us and loves us and accepts us for who we are. Not only that but God wants an honest version of us, especially in worship as worship is about God not how good we look.

Yet I like this idea of reverence, or respect, a God who is great and awe-inspiring and someone whom has blessed us. And this idea of "sunday best" being a part of revering and respecting God.

I always dress up just a little for church, not massively so, which is very clear, but enough that i feel like i have made an effort for God. And i like it, because we have lost our sense of awe or realising that God really deserves respect and focus more on this accesible God who love us and wants to be our friend. Thats not wrong because it is true but God is also the maker of the world, ageless, timeless, all powerful and unfathomable so i don't know, maybe every now and then we need to remind ourselves that God commands our respect and a simple way of doing that is every now and then dressing as if He was the Lord of Lords and King of Kings

Just a thought really.

Just seen Thor for the 2nd time. i love me a superhero!

Night folks

blu tack, shoes and for luck a mug!

2011-05-11T18:06:00.001+01:00

Sorry i haven't blogged in a while it has been a crazy few months what with Dissertation, finishing fieldwork and and assortment of other things.

But i am back now and with much a thought on my mind.

So grab a mug o' coffee and read on, i currently have a large mug of mocha yummyness as they forgot to bring me my regular mocha and so upgraded me, yay!!

I feel like i am on a precipice ready to jump but i have forgotten why i am jumping. Ok maybe thats a bad example, i am currently empathising with Hermine from Harry Potter. So at the end of the 6th book she and Ron make this decision to follow Harry wherever he leads them, into the darkest of places to face almost certain death. She chooses to leave her parents, to wipe their memories as if she never existed, to leave the institutional education that had always been so good to her. To leave everything she knew and go on the run.

What must have been going through her mind for those few months when they were waiting to leave. Doing the mundane activities, researching horcruxes, planning when to leave her folks, sorting out all the little details. But always at the back of her mind, that she was about to leave everything she knew to follow her best friend in to such great uncertainty, the not knowing. Hermione strikes me as the person who likes to know whats going to happen. I reckon her myers-briggs would be INTJ , emotional responses can be hard for her to grasp she deals in logic and un-like the guys could always see the bigger picture. But within that she likes her structure, her order and likes what is within the bigger picture to be realistic.

Feel free to disagree with my assessment of her.

But it's something i can empathise with

i wonder how Peter felt after the ascension, Jesus tells him to go out and make disciples of all nations and then disappears, he tells Pete that he is "the rock" upon which the church was to be built. Peter has this huge life changing mission ahead of him and the person who gave him this task just disappears off to go hang with his dad. So yeah that was a bit of an over simplification of the events but the thought remains the same. Peter undertook a huge task and it must have been overwhelming, daunting, terrifying.

So i'm at this place of leaving everything that i know, uni, placement's, the structure and certainty of being in formal education. For the first time in my life i have to think about things like council tax and national insurance and REALLY finding a job, one which can pay the bills and enable me to stay in Bristol. 'Cause thats the thing, i want to, i need to, i am suppose to stay in Bristol, it's my home, but i don't have a student loan to rely upon anymore.

So i have a potential 9 hours or so of employed work from september or whenever, nothing definite. But other then that i don't know. I hate not knowing. I know where i want to be in 5 years and where i am meant to be in 10 years. But thats not in a few months time when it kinda matters.

And because of all that i am in this state of flux where i am desperately trying to figure what all this means to me, to who i am. Because no longer am i Helen the youth work student but i am Helen the qualified youth worker. And what does this mean, my head is full of so many questions, what does this graduating thing mean, where does this terminus that i am standing in lead?

what does all this change mean for me as an individual? as a worker? as a student? as a sister? daughter? girlfriend? friend? church member? follower of christ? as many other things that i am.

All in all i am having a bit of an existential crisis in not really knowing who i am.

Which kinda leads nicely on to my next thing. I'm a big bit bitter and twisted and angry on the inside right now.

So i was walking back from asda (i had a salad craving) and i decided to walk through the ole prayer park, i sat on a log enjoying my coffee (it wasn't that enjoyable as it was from McD's) and a smoke and i called an old friend but sadly only got his voicemail. But thats not the point my point is that i suddenly realised how long it had been since i had really checked in with God. Not as long since i have spoken to this friend but still a substantial enough time that i have noticed the difference.

I was sat there looking at my shoes (new white converse which are at that point of wearing that they are becoming comfortable.) And i realised that the reason i hadn't spent time with the Big G is that i have built this wall of anger and resentment and bitterness around me.

There are many situations and people who have hurt me recently, if i was to blu tack them to my wall it would probably be covered in paper, no wall insight. As i have said before when people hurt us we have a right to be angry and to feel strong emotions about it. Its human to feel anger and pain and hurt. But holding onto that, clinging onto that, allowing it to define us, thats when the problem comes thats when we become broken when we lose a bit of who we are and become someone else.

I have been doing that, from the moment my sister said "i do" i have held on to the hurt, before christmas i would have found it easy to let go of what people had done. I would have tried to forgive them and move on. Well i say that but who know's? What i do know is that at the beginning of this year i was incredibly hurt and betrayed by those i love the most. and i have been struggling with the consequences of my unforgiveness of that. of my not letting it go. Because at the end of the day being unable to forgive someone doesn't hurt them, but it does hurt you, it can destroy you.

So i love TV, i do i love tv shows, its my one of my favourite mediums. And my struggle reminded me of some of the characters who grace our TV screens, i got to thinking about the delight that is lex luthor who was so twisted that he ended up destroying himself. Of Willow who was so distraught after the death of Tara that she went on a murderous rampage being completely consumed by her anger.

Now i don't think i am about to go on a murderous rampage or become a super villian, though that would be kinda fun. But i understand where these characters are coming from. Willow was by far the best "big bad" on Buffy, because we understood her journey, we could see her pain and we knew her heartbreak. What saved her in the end was not Buffy kicking ass but Xander telling her that he loved her.

"the first day of Kindergarten you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far; ending the world, not a terrfic notion, but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow, and i love scary veiny Willow. So if i'm going out it's here. You wanna kill the world, well then start with me. I've earned that."

I love this moment because that's what changed her, the realisation of what her rage has done to her.

And well i have kinda reached that point were i'm just a big bit angry that its kinda all i can think about when i'm not being terrified of the future. I'm consumed by it, i seem to be unable to have a conversation where bitching about someone doesn't come up.

Denis is convinced i am a good person, and he is right in that i was a good person and will be again but currently i haven't been, maybe he just see's the best in me, who i was and who i will be again. Like Xander saw in Willow. But right now i'm all scary veiny Helen and have to have that conversation with God where He reminds me that he loves both versions of me but loves me too much to allow me to destroy myself and our relationship, to stay veiny angry Helen.

So this moment on the log looking at my shoes was the moment when i realised just how angry i was. Because you don't realise at the time.

And i dont want to be all angry i want to be happy joyful helen who is excited about what happens next.

So i have rambled ALOT apologies for that. I have no real conclusion other than sharing my pain and anger with a great friend, being vulnerable with her has started this process of becoming less angry and moving towards healing.

Right i'm done for the moment folks.

Have a spotify day.

i say a little prayer for you!

2011-04-13T18:19:00.002+01:00

So todays procrastination has been helping Debz find some quotes on prayer, here are some that i loved or entertained me.

Prayer is communication with the Divine. It can be whispered or chanted or written or expressed in the work you do. However it is expressed, it is never in vain. ~Donna Wilk Cardillo

If we could all hear one another's prayers, God might be relieved of some of his burdens. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him. ~William McGill

Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things. ~Samuel M. Shoemaker

Prayer requires more of the heart than of the tongue. ~Adam Clarke

God always answers our prayers, but sometimes the answer is no. ~Author Unknown

God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer. ~Mother Teresa

"No one is a firmer believer in the power of prayer than the devil; not that he practices it, but he suffers from it." - Guy H. King

and my personal Favourite

God has editing rights over our prayers. He will... edit them, correct them, bring them in line with His will and then hand them back to us to be resubmitted. ~Stephen Crotts

I leave you with this song, a real prayer from someone in need! a famous and beautiful and honest prayer.

Madeline

2011-04-13T00:37:00.002+01:00

So i'm sat outside the delivery suite at first great western hospital in swindon.

The reason being.

A certain wifey of mine has just had a lil baby girl!

Am super excited and happy to meet her but until then i shall sit at my laptop and wait till i am allowed in. May take awhile as the reception is a big bit mean and will only let 2 people in at a time.

Though she did let the dad in so there are technically 3 people so i guess shes not that bad. Just wish i was in there so its making me grumpy.

That and the lack of sleep. So i woke up this morning to hear Wifey in the shower, i thought to myself "i bet her waters have broken" i checked my phone, it was 6:20ish so i started to doze.

What seemed like a second later she was out of the shower, i looked at her and asked if everything was ok.

"My waters have broken"

"Right ok i better get dressed then" was my response and thus began my day.

I swear time passes slower when all you are doing is waiting, the 20mins from when the dad got the call to come upstairs to when i got the text took forever.

The time spent in the cafeteria with the dad waiting for him to be called up seemed like an eternity, really it was about 7hours.

And now the time sat, waiting to meet baby and see mummy is stretching out before me.

Even worse is i smell ripe! Something to do with being woken up early and dashing to hospital being a hinderance to my showering, but on the plus side Mum is the only one who managed to get a shower and by now she is probably fairly ripe too.

Feel sorry for everyone else though. 'Cause it's not good.

And to bring it full circle waiting is not good either.

But babies, well this baby really is!

Well its just under a week later and i am finally getting round to finishing off the blog i started writing in the hospital.

So little Madeline went home after 6hours, and both her and mum are doing really well, lil Maddie is perfect and just so beautiful. Dad did well too. It was an amazing experience to be a part of something so human yet so miraculous. There is nothing more natural for a woman to do then give birth and to witness that in some small part is awe inspiring, and humbling.

the best bit was introducing baby to batman begins (her first movie) and starbucks (her first outing!) both GRAND things.

Right well i'm off to bed as i actually have to do some work tomorrow! night folks

right now

2011-03-22T22:34:00.004Z

I'm meant to be writing a journal right now but felt the need for a 5 min creative writing break.

So i am so exhausted it is insane, have just started my aditional placement at One25 and it is something else, i have wanted to volunteer there since i moved to Bristol and so now i am it is a slightly odd sensation. I shall write more about it when i have had time to collect my thoughts. However i will be in court on thursday which will be interesting and then jail the day after so that shall be a new experience.

SO yep last 2 weeks of fieldwork and it could not come fast enough, sadly due to grandmothers death i am now a lil behind and so rushing to catch up, on the plus side i am still in a better situation then in my first year where i did half of my fieldwork in one night (please don't tell my tutor.)

Not sure what i am going to do when fieldwork is done, oh wait, dissertation thats what, and then erm look for a job, sheesh scary times.

So my aunty was an uber bitch the other day and asked "who would employ you" when i had mentioned that i was exhausted after a hard days work and writing up reports afterwards. My response was the same people who i have been working for for the last 3 years, i felt going into the intricate details may have been a bit much for her alcohol soaked brain.

I apologise for that moment of bitch, incredibly tired, have been ready for bed for the last 3 hours alas i have had to work.

Not much else to say really.

Oh yes i do, so have started this thing where i have a new quote every week for my voicemail and then D judges me on them, what a tit. (D not me, well possibly me)

Just got asked an odd question, not going to share it with you, just going to mention it so that you will be wandering and then peach will send me a text asking what it was and well blah blah blah.

Oh excitingly first blog on my new macPro! yay for boy!! Second best birthday gift EVER, Debz comes in first with my cafetiere thermos mug which is almost orgasmically good!!

So i'm done. Shall blog again soon promise, if only to procrastinate!!

DAY 30

2011-03-17T10:39:00.001Z

thanks for putting up with that folks looking back i have no idea why i did it. oh well
so day 30 my favorite song from this time last year.

day 29

2011-03-16T10:38:00.001Z

A song from my childhood, this was the first EVER album i had, on cassette tape.

day 28

2011-03-15T10:32:00.002Z

a song that makes me feel guilty, this is the same piece as before but played on the bass, making me feel guilty that i haven't practiced in forever.

day 27

2011-03-14T10:30:00.001Z

a song that i wish i could play

day 26

2011-03-13T10:27:00.002Z

a song that i can play on an instrument. The young people i work with taught me this on the piano, i'm a lil bit ashamed of myself for knowing it

day 25

2011-03-12T10:25:00.001Z

a song that makes me laugh

friday

2011-03-11T12:22:00.002Z

i'm approaching 400posts which is kinda scary. So i figured what with all my music related posts i could (and should) actually write something.

for those of you who don't know i am back in the shire for a few days helping my dad out. My mum's mother, lovingly known as the Rotweiler, died on Monday. we weren't expecting it. We knew she didn't have that many years left but it was still a shock. So mum is up north looking after her dad and i am east looking after mine.

I have to take my 8 year old brother shopping for funeral clothes today. It's odd, he didn't really know Grandma, but he knows he is sad about it and that his mum is sad. Being a grown up is scary. Not sure i like it.

On a more positive note i introduced boy to D. It was first boyfriend meet current boyfriend. It was disturbing how well they got on, a budding bromance i assure you all. So much so i am worried i may lose Boy to D. OH well. i'm still holding out for Darren Criss.

i am in the midst of uni work hell. Fieldwork, essays, 2 placements, dissertation its all a bit crazy but i know i can do it and i look forward to the sense of satisfaction i will have when i do!!

So yeah. thats all for now. shall be back soon.

day 24

2011-03-11T10:23:00.001Z

a song that i want played at my funeral

day 23

2011-03-10T10:19:00.001Z

a song that i want played at my wedding. this song comes from my inappropriate wedding songs

day 22

2011-03-09T10:16:00.001Z

a song that i listen to when i am sad

day 21

2011-03-08T10:15:00.000Z

A song that i listen to when i am happy

day 20

2011-03-07T10:13:00.001Z

A song that i listen to when i am angry

day 19

2011-03-06T10:11:00.002Z

a song from my favourite album, i played one earlier but here is another, from american recordings iv

day 18

2011-03-05T10:10:00.003Z

A song that i wish i heard on the radio

sorry i apparently posted the wrong video. my bad

day 17

2011-03-04T10:05:00.001Z

a song that i hear often on the radio

erm .... here you go

day 16

2011-03-03T10:02:00.001Z

a song that i used to love but now hate

i have my reasons

day 15

2011-03-02T09:57:00.001Z

A song that describes me.

bitch

2011-03-01T21:37:00.002Z

So here is a thought or two. I was talking to Josh today and telling her something i felt God had been challenging me on, funnily enough he was challenging her on it too. Tres interesting.

Anywho this challenge is all to do with my least lovely personality trait. And as the title of this blog suggests its my being a bitch. Now firstly, i am not any more or less horrible then anyone else (or maybe i am) i just have this annoying habit of being honest about my issues with people. Not all of them being justifiable either. i just don't particularly like people and have a habit of treating them as such.

Yet at the same time i am not as bad as i make out. Part of it is that natural defense mechanism. but like i said many of my friends will accept that i am not always the most shinning example of loveliness they still see me as a loving, compassionate and thoughtful person, or so they tell me.

So i am now done bigging myself and shall continue forward with the exploration of my challenge. To recap helen = not always the nicest of people.

So yeah the Lord of all was kinda like Helen, dude be nicer (God always sounds like a surfer to me) i seem like i am taking the piss but i'm not. I have seriously been challenged to speak from love and act from love. I defended someone today, someone i love but whom i am having a few issues, this person really hurt me and cut me out of her life for some unknown reason. And i have been dwelling on that hurt since the october. And i am allowed to be hurt and to want an apology but if i really claim to follow a God of love and believe that i need to live a life that reflects that i should stop being snarky and holding on to the hurt.

Holding on to things is my Achilles heel, I struggle to let go, but today i did a lil bit of it by standing up for the person. The thing is it all came down to my ability to submit to Gods will, i lay awake last night thinking about this person about how much she had hurt me, and i asked God to help me love them. He reminded me why i love her, and so i was able to speak about her in the positive light i have been unable to do so for a while now.

So i'm trying to be less horrible. Because it doesn't reflect the image of God. That doesn't mean i am going to be all sunshine and roses, i'm still me, but maybe a lil nicer version of me. One that is getting back on track. One that is being reminded that God calls us first to Love him and then to love others.

Well ramblings over i am going to go pretend that my uni work doesn't exist.

day 14

2011-03-01T09:53:00.002Z

a song no one would expect you to love. The problem with this everyone knows of my eclectic taste so i'm going to put up a song that Denis laughed at me for having because i'm the girl who likes yo yo ma

day 13

2011-02-28T09:49:00.002Z

a song that is a guilty pleasure, i really dislike this group but this version of the song i simply love and i'm ok with that.

day 12

2011-02-27T09:38:00.002Z

A song from a band you hate, well mines not a band but i still strongly dislike him!

in advance i'm sorry and suggest you don't listen,

day 11

2011-02-26T09:48:00.002Z

a song from my favorite band. well who my favorite band is completely depends on my mood and the thoughts in my head. However this is the band i have been listening to most recently simply for the line "dream until your dream comes true"

day 10

2011-02-26T09:44:00.001Z

A song that makes you fall asleep, my chosen song is simply because it is what i listen too when i am falling asleep.

day 9

2011-02-26T09:40:00.002Z

Asong that you can dance along too. well i was torn with this one as i can "dance" too many songs (something to do with the insanity.) however i have chosen this one because it is a guarantee that i will dance (its the 9 year old girl in me)

day 8

2011-02-26T09:35:00.002Z

a song you know all the words too. Well i know many songs and i know all the words to them this however is my choice!

Day 7

2011-02-26T09:18:00.002Z

I once again find myself being really rubbish at keeping up continuity!
Anywho day 7 is a song that reminds you of a certain event.

Mine is Michael Buble's everything, it was the first dance at Afee and Den's wedding and such an amazing day (event)

day 6

2011-02-22T08:44:00.001Z

this song reminds me of America, in particular New York peach and i sang it consistently for 2 hours whilst at the air port.

day5

2011-02-21T10:35:00.001Z

Today is a song that reminds you of someone! this song always reminds me of the bestie Josh, neither of us know how it came to become a song but thats the way it works!!

day 4

2011-02-20T16:37:00.001Z

I defy you to not feel emotional watching this!!

day 3

2011-02-20T16:32:00.003Z

This song makes everyone happy!

Day 2

2011-02-20T16:09:00.002Z

So apologies been somewhat distracted of late todays video is my least favourite song. i have chosen this song because not only does it suck but it belittles so much of what i stand for

day 1

2011-02-17T11:22:00.003Z

I haven't blogged in a while, apologies about that. I'm going to give the excuse of insane amounts of fieldwork and dissertation stuff. However this will all be done by May soo woop woop.

anywho i noticed on the book of face that josh was doing the 30 day song challenge and so thought i would do a big of blogging with this as my inspiration so

day 01 - your favorite song

Now i have a problem with this question as it changes frequently with the mood that i am in. However the song i have chosen never fails me, i simply love it.

pass

2011-02-08T22:48:00.001Z

i shall write again soon. Am rather exhausted. Way too much uni work. But i shall continue plowing through it.

Hope ya'll are well!

one day like this

2011-01-16T00:07:00.002Z

So it's over and done with.

I felt shit the whole of today. I have had some REALLY crap days in my life, but today trumped the lot. Which is a really crappy thing to say, but its true. More then anything I wish it wasn't.

I'm tired, I'm drained and I just want to curl up and sleep, but I was reminded once again today how lucky I am to have the people around me that I do. Be is my boss, my best friend or my boyfriend. I'm also really lucky to have D, I have known the guy for almost my entire life and he never ceases to make me laugh. If only when it comes to conspiring against Abbi.

But what strikes me the most is he is the most unlikely guy. He is my brother, i have known forever I don't see any difference between him and Geoff (my actual brother) and he really is one of the more unlikely people for God to use to support and encourage you, but even in his doubts and questions and silly arguments he inspires me in my faith and reminds me that God really does use the most unlikeliest of people.

A bit like me.

God allows me to e a part of His story.

That thought alone makes today a bit better.

flip flop

2011-01-10T20:49:00.002Z

so i think i have posted this video up before, its the dixie chicks "not ready to make nice" i flipping love those women. so here's the video.

So I guess it's meant to be new year new start and all that jazz but I'm more a honesty kinda person so yeah, not sure how all that works. anywho so this song has really struck a chord with me. I'm angry about something, and I believe that i have justification to be angry about this thing. Val has agreed with me so that's fine 'cause she normally call's me on my shit. someone else told me I shouldn't hang on to my anger about this, but the problem is i don't want to be angry, I just don't know how to not be.

At the moment I really am "mad as hell" so this song really marry's up well with how I am feeling (yep used the f word.) There is some real indignation going on.

However with a whole looking back at the past year biz I can see growth in myself. where before when I would have bitched about it all in my blog or on facebook I have had the odd moment of letting off steam but at the same time been civil and discreeter than before. I also haven't just bitched at the person involved, so yeah i haven't spoken to them in months that actually isn't my fault (though I could have made more of an effort.)

So this is a fairly pointless post. I have bigged myself up by telling you all that i have grown whilst at the same time excepting that I am acting like a child by refusing to make nice with someone. OH well you win some you lose some

Happy New Year Folks!

what's love got to do, got to do with it.

2010-12-31T18:04:00.003Z

once upon a time there was girl called Helen who was a rather remarkable young girl, she had this ability to not back down, she held her ground and stuck up for what she felt was right even when people disagreed with her, which inevitably they did.

In fact more often then not, but hey that's my job right. I had a number of disagreements with people yesterday. Only one resulted in a shouting match and by that I mean I got shouted at. I hate people who resort to shouting in disagreements its pathetic and belittling and just makes everyone feel worse and the person shouting more angry. Just because you can shout the loudest doesn't mean you are right.

However that wasn't what I want to write about. Today's topic is love, tis the season and all that jazz. Everyone has been writing new years greetings on facebook and twitter and now I am bored of it. So my starting process comes from one of my disagreements I had yesterday and well any time the subject is broached with Christians. The subject is homosexuality, its one of those things that most (not all) Christians have an opinion and as far as I can tell most aren't particularly loving, the most common one (after all gay people are of satan and should be burnt at the stake) is this idea of well we shall love them but hate what they do. But in this case I often find those that say that don't understand homosexuality, they are afraid of it and they have no desire to know more.

So my (view on it is more to the "liberal" side, and I am totally cool with that.) But for me I am all about the love and acceptance that Christ is about the more I have grown in my faith the more I am convinced that God doesn't hate gay people, that he loves them unconditionally, as much as he loves everyone else. And i think so many people are wasting their breathe, their efforts and their passion on something that doesn't matter. So often we christians get caught up in the condemnation and the little issues that we can't look beyond our own front doors, if those christians who waste their breathe on abusing abortion doctors, gays, democrats and all the rest, focused their efforts on things that actually mattered the world would be a better place. if instead of wasting time and resources battling these "evils" and i don't know focused on some bigger evils say poverty, dirty water, prostitution, drugs, bad education to name a few. God's love should inspire us to live out justice to make it part of our life, because a believe in justice comes from love, Brooke Frasers sings "faith without deeds is dead" and I think she is spot on. Faith, and love should inspire us to make a difference, but to things that matter, not to thinks that bring more fear and hate.

Well that was a bit of a ramble and I apologies, I guess I'm just frustrated that so many people have the passion and capability to change the world but use it to damage it further. I finish with this http://davejohnlucas.wordpress.com/ Mr Dave Lucas blog, he is deep and profound and often writes about the little (or not so little) things he does to change and challenge the world.

driving home for christmas

2010-12-20T09:47:00.002Z

Am off back to the shire for Christmas. we are going via Newport so as to see the eldest female Sare child .. and then home. "God wills it" (that one was for the guys)

its sowing again and this does not make me happy. But I did get some news yesterday which did make me happy but alas I can not tell you yet I can only tease you! bahaha so have pondered many deep and profound things which I will at some point get round to sharing with y'all but until then I leave you with the happy thought that this Christmas will be a moaning free question, that's right folks, you wont have to read my insipid waling about all that is wrong with my life.

i leave with you this happy video, which we were delightfully shown at carols by candle light last night.

my year

2010-12-03T23:13:00.003Z

In the last year many things have happened, by far the most important of these was most recently when William and Kate announced their engagement and decided to get married on the anniversary of Hitler's wedding to Eva Braun. Just saying.

erm of not.

This year has been odd, and most definitely had its ups and downs.

This however was possibly the highlight of 2010 after 69 days these Chilean miners were rescued. this is the joy that came with that.

ooooh i'll get by with a lil help from my friends

2010-12-02T22:14:00.003Z

a few years, the summer i started my degree in fact, i prayed.

That's it end of story.

really no, what i prayed was simple, i wanted more friends, friends my own age, friends who shared my faith, my love of being challenged in that, and friends that were girls. My best friend is Peach and i love her an all but neither of us are remotely girly. We mainly have guy mates. Which until then i was fine with, (and i still love you guys.)

I had spent my first year in Bristol with a lot of 30 year olds who were married and had kids, well not all as by far the best people were the Shaw's. But it was a hard year for so many reasons, i didn't have a social life and when I did go out i had to consider if my friends had babysitters, and so on.

I was really lonely.

I loved my year at St. Marks, but i was seriously lacking in friends with whom I could share my journey. OR with whom i could just hang out.

So like i said that summer i prayed. i prayed for friends, good female Christian friends, ones who would challenge me and support me and share in life.

wow did God amaze me with an answer. Into my life i found an abundance of strong women who have made me a better person.

Debz and Val who constantly challenge me and mock me, who share my joy and love for youth work but remind me to be less snobby and cynical.

Nic who has the most beautiful heart and just cares for people, who will push me in my faith and isn't afraid to challenge that.

Afee who reminds me that i am a girl, as much as I doth protest, she sees beauty in so much, including me and yet is so gentle and wise.

Clare, who is funny shares my love of scrabble, and justice, wh wants to see a nation changed but is starting with herself, always the first to be honest.

Ruth, the Kirk to my Spock, the girl who reminds me that emotion is just as valid as logic. the woman with who my vision is shared, who wants change to help to share the love of Christ in such a real and tangible way.

But the best friend I got that year, was my mum, she became my best friend, i have so many incredible friends, and this blog is dedicated to those strong women with whom i have shared my life, those that i have mentioned and those that i have not but my mother is the most incredible one she never ceases to amaze me, she loves unconditionally, a love that shakes you to the core, that changes the person you are. If anyone was close to showing how much God loves us it is my mum. She astounds me, she inspires me, and challenges me. She is a mother after God's own heart.

Tomorrow will be a year since the worst night of my life, and these woman as well as Josh, Peach, Roseanna, Emmy, Elene Charlie, Jackie, Rachel, Sam, Sam, Elaine, Jenny, Jemma, Sian, Sarah, Abbi, Sarah, Katie, and countless others have stood by me held me when i cried, distracted me and made me laugh when i was indeed, they have gone above and beyond.

I believe God answers prayers, and these women are proof of that. I am so blessed and i want to thank you guys for changing me and making me the woman i am today.

Friendship is important, community, fellowship, love. My friends mean the world to me. i hate that i don't see a lot of my friends as much as i wish, but i know that when i do see them it is worth the wait.

Ok sloppy over and done with. I need to go be manly.

question

2010-11-19T23:27:00.002Z

Music face is what steph calls that moment when a song just makes you smile because it is so perfect for the moment.
Well i was walking to work today flicking through the ole ipod looking for the perfect song to put me in a good mood. This was it.

seriously just makes you smile. And no it is NOT a hint boy, however Josh if you asked i would totally say yes!

i wander lonely as a cloud.

2010-11-16T22:08:00.003Z

someone asked Adele why she never wrote happy songs, she replied that she never felt inspired to write when she was happy.

That makes sense to me.

i have been pondering a lot upon what inspires me to write and there seems to be a fair correlation between times of crisis and much writing. There is something beautiful about the honesty and vulnerability when people write from a place of pain.

Many of the psalms are an example of this, people broken and bringing their laments before God. some of the most beautiful songs of all time are from this same place. poetry, painting, music, stories, and other such things are often inspired by pain and sadness and in that they are truly beautiful because they are honest. They are real.

Pain and loss can also be an incredible motivator inspiring us to get our arse into gear.

Now i am very happy with life at the moment, yes i have a few worries but i have come to this profound realisation that God is kinda ok, and i that really good at helping us with things. But also life and the universe seems to be giving me a break from all things drama related, which i feel is very considerate of them what with deadlines and then dissertation looming at me.

But i still know what it is to feel pain, to feel great sadness and loss because it stays with you. I am in a very different place then last year, and it has hit home to me that it will soon be a year since I went through my darkest valley. Nothing has inspired me more or shaped me or challenged me than what happened to me last year. If only because it was real and it hurt.

so this blog is fairy aimless. I am just wandering about my inspiration as i don't seems to be writing all that much lately. On a plus i have set a scrabble date with Clare and i have my presentation for my module down!!

352 blogs oh my

2010-11-15T18:47:00.000Z

Let’s get spiritual, spiritual. I was chatting to a friend from uni today just seeing how life was and the like. He’s the new guy in our class this year and there is something about him that just makes you sit up and listen. He is one of those people that has an authoritative voice when he speaks there is just something in it. He is also one of those people who clearly spends his life in God’s presence, unashamedly so yet at the same time he is not flashy on in your face about it. He just is a man of God and a huge inspiration. Something that I aspire to; to have a similar (but not that same) way of living in constant communication with the big JC.

My spiritual life has been somewhat lacking in recent weeks, at the beginning of term I decided I was going to work on this. To really put aside time to spend with God but then in the last few weeks this has dispersed I have somewhat lost my way, but then don’t we all. This guy I my year has inspired me to get back on track, he reminded me of the words God had spoken over me, the destinations that I have the spiritual gifting.

I love using the gifts that God has given me, I love praying for people and God being gracious enough to use me in passing on words on encouragement and love to them. I prayed for a friend the other day, Charles and it reminded me of that feeling when I am just completely free before God, when I put aside my own agenda and just say God I am willing to hear what you have to say. There really is nothing like having that moment of being in the still and the silence before my God. It reminded me even more so of the time when I like Darren walked in close proximity to the Lord when it was him that I spoke to throughout the day.

I miss that.

Because at the moment I do not do that.

Joseph, the dude with the techni colour dream coat, did everything to the best of his ability. He walked closely with the lord, in Genesis 39 we hear how he was welcomed in to Potiphar’s house and he did everything to the best of his ability that it became obvious to the P man that God was blessing Joe and helping him to do that, the Lord was blessing him. He did well because the Lord was with Him. I miss that, doing everything to the best of my ability and sharing that joy with God.

I’m still learning, aren’t we all. But what I am re-learning is who I am. Over the summer I was called a mystic (not in the weird witchcraft kind of way) but in that I was kinda like a jack of all trades. When I ask God for a gift he will give it to me and I will use all the gifts that God has to offer. Does that make sense?

I need to use my gifting more because one practice makes perfect but more importantly God has given me them for a reason and to not use what God has given me is a bit rude really. So yeah I bit of a windy journey from the beginning of the blog.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have been a bit lax in my spiritual walk and that I was given a real wake-up call that God is using this time to help me grow and refine myself and my calling. That I am never happier and feeling more complete when I am walking closely with God really spending my time with Him and I need to get back to that.

In other news I have an amazing new t-shirt or two or even three is I count my kickass one. Pictures to follow.

Oh and just so you know I’m still all good and drama free life wise the last few blogs were more a rant about others things. I promise Helen is a happy bunny.

magicians assistant

2010-11-09T13:48:00.002Z

Today i was listening to the Angles album by Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip. Flipping amazing album. These guys are immense and they have substance its not just about selling music for them. Their music means something. It has a point.

Anywho the song Magicians Assistant came on and i stopped in my tracks because i so got it. I was REALLY hearing the words and yeah. so here is the video. its not for anyone in particular its just something i want to share. But check these guys out they ARE amazing.

depressed much?

2010-11-04T12:34:00.000Z

Do you know what I really hate?

My absolute pet peeve?
Christians and their views on depression. Either it doesn’t exist and so they do not acknowledge it has a genuine state or they over spiritualize it as some attack of Satan or something lacking in your very personality.

BULLSHIT!

These people have clearly never been depressed or if they have they have not acknowledged it. My sister said the other day that speaking words like depressed over people is what makes them depressed. Well that’s effectively what she said.
I didn’t respond.
Not through not having a retort, I have many of those but through sheer disappointment and anger and a great desire to punch her. Sorry Cat but it’s true.
Let’s start with the basics it IS a medical condition. It’s perfectly valid to be in a place of great emptiness and surrounding darkness. Not only is it valid but has biblical precedent. Elijah, David, Jonah, Peter, Hosea, to name a few. There is no shame in suffering this way and I fully believe that as chrisitians are job is to remove the shame and stigma from the word depression and instead reply with “how can I best help you on this journey.”
Now don’t get me wrong I do recognise that there is often an underlying cause for why a person is struggling. By I don’t think it is as simple as they are lacking in knowing Christ’s love or whatever.
For YEARS I suffered with depression, both before and after I found faith and chose to have a relationship with God. Many of the people I know and love have struggled with this at one time or other. And those who haven’t I can tell, mainly because they talk out their arse!
It’s like living in a cave there is no fresh air, its hard to breath let alone find the will to work or communicate with people. The darkness and sadness is overwhelming it is claustrophobic. You can’t get out from under the weight it is holding you down, it is stifling you taking from you the creativity, the joy, the very desire to go on. It is impossible to see the light.
You are simply lost in the dark and you don’t know how to get out.
But sometimes you hear a voice. Sometimes there is a flash of light. Sometimes there is a gust of fresh air.
Those are the things that start to help you find your way out and they could be anything.
The worst part is you don’t know why. You don’t know why all you want to do is cry. You don’t know what has brought this all on.

Any yet all people say is cheer up you will get over it just by thinking more positively.
Erm ok you try thinking more positively with a black cloud over your head! Moron. People really misunderstand this thing.
So yeah depression is something I feel strongly about, its not a simple as others might think, it effects people worldwide and at different stages in their life. Lets figure out a way of helping people through it not condemning them for it.
Finally I leave you with this link http://discouragedmind.wordpress.com/, a friend’s uni assignment to blog on something (Best. Assignment. EVER) and she chose her recent diagnosis with depression.

good golly miss molly

2010-10-21T23:22:00.003+01:00

I'm holding off on a post that I was going to publish last week. Still haven't found the correct words to use, so am holding off until I do.

So I shall give you a light hearted one instead. Have rediscovered the joys of Wuthering Heights, man Romeo and Juliet have nothing on Heathcliff and Cathy, talk about epic love. Also watched Sparkhouse which was the modern day version, simply beautiful. I highly recommend it to any Bronte lovers.

So live is good. I popped into my old house this evening and saw my old house mates. it was lovely seeing them and catching up, and simply recognising how much my life has changed in the 10months since I lived there. I am happy. Life is great. I'm on top of my college work. I have amazing friends. A great home. And a boy who makes me smile.

God has really blessed me and am so grateful, I find myself waiting to see what challenge will next be around the corner whilst at the same time enjoying the break from the drama that my life seems to attract. I hate drama I hate being the centre of attention I just wish I could go through life on cruise control not worrying about anything. But then would life be worth it? Surely it is the downs as well as the up's that help us realise how blessed we are. The downs make us stronger and help us keep fighting, the downs show us the very nature of our character. The downs show us that we are nothing without God.

Mim and my old lecturer Debbie summed me up perfectly the other day they said "helen hate's being the centre of attention but there is something about her that forces her into the limelight, her very personality makes people notice her."

What a problem that is for me.

Oh well.

Bedtime.

Cynicism and the like

2010-10-06T20:52:00.003+01:00

Two times in one day I must say that is extraordinary.

Following on from my previous post.

well kinda.

God has been talking to me a lot about my cynicism. now i think there is a need for a healthy amount of cynicism especially in the church, it keeps us open minded and helps us to question what we are being taught, it encourages us to think for ourselves.

This is good. AND biblical.

We shouldn't take things at face value all the time.

So worry not folks i shall keep a small dose of the cynic that you know and love. But it what God has been challenging me on is people's expression of faith.

Working at soul survivor has made me more then somewhat jaded when it comes to seeing people respond to the spirit, in a large part due to the mass hysteria that i see going on around me. That is not to say that SOSO make it this way it is just part and parcel. It is also not to say that God is not working in those people. Just that there is a number of people who get just a tad bit hyped up by this place.

The problem came when i was seen as one of these people.

Not i'm not the person who gets hysterical and screams and all that it isn't how i respond to God, i'm more of a peaceful, calm contemplative kinda gal. However something happened at SOSO that meant that the people around me treated me differently, like i was someone who was just getting caught up in the hype.

At first i was taken incredibly seriously, i stated matter of factly what was going on and the person praying for me explained what her discernment into that was. The problem came when she left 9as it was the end of week c and momo was about to begin) and i was passed onto people who didn't speak to me for the first few days and when it finally came around to praying about what was going on they didn't ask and just assumed.

All in all my problem was finally dealt with by my father praying for me due to the inability of certain people to take me seriously.

I know the story is a bit vague and would most likely make more sense if i explained the whole thing but there is a time and a place for that. My point is the people dealing with me didn't know me and they didn't ask, they were so used to young woman being broken and because of the slightly hysterical and unaware of how they cope with things. I am a happy healthy person who knows my coping mechanisms who is self aware and well logical. And these people due to their cynicism didn't take the time to find out.

I am still struggling with feelings of betrayal from these people and others who i felt didn't fight for me or weren't there for me. And that in itself as taught me something.

Yes cynicism in small doses can be good.

But it can also stop us from helping people in need, it can stop us seeing people as individuals.

God is challenging me to not always mock those who do things that i find odd or just plain absurd but to recognise that it is an expression of who they are.

ugly bride

2010-10-06T19:16:00.002+01:00

If you were a part of the body what part would you be?

That's right folks I am back and blogging and once again thinking deep and profound thing'.

On Sunday Mr Michael gave a deep and inspiring talk on 1 Corinthians 12, not the spiritual gifts bit but the body bit.

12The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. 13For we were all baptized by[a] one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

"14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 28And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 29Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? 31But eagerly desire the greater gifts.
And now I will show you the most excellent way."

Is it me or are you loving the last bit "most excellent"!?

So our minister is off on 3 months of sabbatical, that means as a church we are missing a part of our body. Bummer

Michael inspired me with his talk, he reminded us that the body is organic, it grows, changes and adapts. For example it is said that when some one loses a sense ie sight all their other sense are heightened. The body copes with change, it acclimates when things are missing.

And part of his message was about how as a church we work best when all of the body parts are functional and fulfilling their role, but this does not mean that when a part is away we cease to work. it means that the other parts have to compensate for this. We work BEST when all together but we can still work well when we are not.

I like that, its a challenge to keep going and keep pressing forwards to the church within which i am a member.

It also reminded me of how much i love my church.

TBC is by no stretch of the imagination, in fact i have a list as long as my arm of things that i struggle with about it, but this church is the little church that could. It has passion and conviction that it can make a difference in the community within which it finds itself.

It is a church unashamed of what it stands for but still remaining accessible for those that disagree. But more then anything they have faith, faith that God is great and he will use this little church to make a difference. And that is what keeps this church going what helps it adapt when parts are missing.

I would never have chosen to attend this church as a normal congregation member a few years ago, but now i look forward to working with the church for the next few years. I am looking forward to being a part of the church when the minister comes back. To seeing the next youth worker (whoever they may be, whenever that may me) and supporting them and helping them. To being a part of the work and to developing the work.

Because as much as i sometimes hate the church, in reality i love the church.

The church may be ugly, it may be butt ugly.

But the Church is Christ's bride. Christ loves His bride, and i love that bride too. Especially the part of the bride it Totterdown in south Bristol.

So my challenge for you is no matter how much your Church may piss you off. Look for the hidden beauty the things that drew you to it in the first place.

the three amigo's

2010-09-03T13:42:00.000+01:00

Sorry guys am still compiling my thoughts from the last few weeks as it has been fairly hectic and left me with a lot to ponder upon. So i live you with this messege that i left for Val and Debz today.

i have heard tale of three friends, three amigo's who would meet together in a place of great delight where they would find a liquid of brown, a heated beverage which gave them super human abilities to talk forever. this place was marked only by a green and white sign and people would search from all over to find this place. The amigos, would go to this place and sit in the comfy chairs and talk about how they would change the world (and how much they hated fieldwork.) They dreamed dreams and saw visions and hoped for a better future.
But there would always come a time when these amigo's would have to part and go to another place to start acting out their dreams. but they would always meet again, it used to be weekly but then the cruel world parted them and it was months before they drank of the heated beverage together.
One of the amigos's the one whom lives in the fair land of bristolia felt it was time to inspire the other amigo's into action thus she facebooked them with the cry
"lets go to starbucks SOOOOOOOOON"

my bad

2010-08-03T10:41:00.002+01:00

I almost took my frustration out on some poor unsuspecting woman today.

Today my annoyance is at the people i used to be.

A few years ago i was a self-righteous judgemental christian. Now I'm just a cynical one.

I'm ok with who i am.

I'm ok with how i live out my faith, my relationship with God is what i have built my life upon. I read my bible and theology books to understand from an academic level (which is important to me) and i pray, sing, write and converse with others to understand and relate to God on a personal level.

I know my faith. I know who I am in it.

I don't always talk about Christianity and Christians in the nicest way because well frankly sometimes it/they suck.

Yes the church is Christs bride. But a lot of the time she is a fairly ugly one. A lot of the time she cocks up and sends out the wrong message. One of judgement. Of exclusion. Of abuse. Of discourse. Of sexism. And so on.

I have a right to say this because i am part of that church and at times i have done these things. So I'm just as guilty. But i try not to be.

I think I may be getting better.

So I bitch about the church. And why not?

It could do a much better job.

But really what i am bitching about is the people in the church. The ones who let me down.

I am fed up with Christians who tell me what I can and cant do. Hey suggest it, give ideas and tell me your opinion that's fine. But don't be judgemental about it and don't tell me I have to do it. I have free will and i like to exercise it. And jesus never said you had to, he just left it open for respnse.

I hate older people who assume that just because they have age on their side they think they know best. Sometimes they do sometimes they really don't.

Saying things in christian love. Really that's you being mean and claiming its love. Its not its being mean. Yes love involves challenge and sometimes saying what people don't want to hear. No need to be smug about it. Because adding that phrase insinuates smugness.

My pet hate at the moment is bringing Jesus into every single conversation.

I love Jesus.

I love talking about Jesus.

But when you are talking to joe bloggs from down the street he doesn't need to hear about it all the time. Yeah if people ask mention it. And don't be ashamed of your faith either but there is an art to conversation which involves varying the topic. If people feel comfortable with you then yeah they may be ok with talking about faith but how about building relationship first. Its ok to talk about the rugby. Or about music. Jesus doesn't have to be talked about to be in your conversation. Sometimes just being approachable speaks more about Christ than you know actually speaking about Christ.

I am just frustrated with members of the church. Going on Sundays and meeting people who can seem so false (i also meet lovely ones too.)

I'm fed up with being judged by Christians because how I show and do my faith isn't how they do it. I'm fed up with Christians who quote scripture badly and out of context (especially the ones who then write books.)

But mainly I'm fed up with Christians who take life too seriously and have forgotten how to have fun. Christ came to give us life and life in all its fullness. That means having a good laugh at things every now and then. And that can even be the church because sometimes we are laughable.

But that's ok. Because Jesus still loves us.

anger

2010-08-03T10:35:00.001+01:00

Ruth and i talked about anger today.

How we deal with it.

Very differently.

Anger is a huge issue with me. When i get angry i cling onto it, to what has made me angry and i wont let go. Sometimes it means i can get a little tunnel vision so takes me longer to recognise when I'm in the wrong. But i will admit to it when i am.

That's not an excuse its just the way i am wired.

So something annoys me. I can cope with that.

But then another thing annoys me and another thing and gradually it starts to build until it explodes and makes a big icky mess.

Well it makes a mess.

I have yet to find a constructive way of dealing with it. I'm a writer. That's how i process and that's how i let out what is inside. I articulate well(ish) what is going on.

Verbalising it is not always easy.

So my usual way would be to put it on paper, or in a blog. But its getting harder to do that these days as people read it and get hurt because i say mean things and am a bitch.

Every now and then when staying with the girls on a uni day i get frustrated with all the little things. And i hold it in because i know a lot of it is my issue and not really anything to do with them so i text peach and josh and they get extensive messages with all that is bugging me so that at least it is out there.

Because actually i need someone to know just how frustrated i am otherwise it just keeps building and gets worse.

I have yet to articulate well, verbally, to someone when i am frustrated with them. Mainly because i fear that i wont be able to stop. Once i say that one thing i fear that all the rest will come out. The rest which actually doesn't need to be said because its just me being a twat and clinging on.

So i shut down from that person in the hopes that they will realise so that i don't have to tell them and hurt them. (see I'm not really emotionally flat, more emotionally thin.)

So for an example when i am annoyed at peach because she missed our coffee date i don't tell her that instead i get a lil bit snappy at her and a little bit distant in the hope that she will realise, except that makes the situation worse because then she doesn't know whats going on so she gets annoyed at me for being bitchy for no reason. And thus the cycle begins.

So what I'm trying to say is i don't know.

I don't know how to tell someone i am annoyed at them without going overboard (which normally means i go overboard.)

The bible isn't that helpful either. No offense to God but he is not the best model when it comes to dealing with anger his response is either to kill them all, turn them into salt, make a whip, let them get swallowed by a big fish, and other such interesting things which would possibly be impossible for me to do or get me into a lot of trouble!

So yes. I'm annoyed at a few people. I'm trying to process that and deal with it in an appropriate way, in a healthy way. To not stand there screaming at them or writing horrible blogs about them. (peach can testify that that is one of my least brilliant ideas)

Well there we have it.

I'm trying to learn

worst 5 worship songs

2010-08-01T20:36:00.002+01:00

Howdy folks.

So a few days ago alex sent me a link to a blog describing the authors opinion on the five worst worship songs. Well folks i thought i would give it ago myself.

So in descending order here it does

Number 5 - dancing generation by matt redman.

If only because it makes me ask how did his mercy teach me how to dance, or his glory teach me how to shout? Seriously i want to know!? Ideas anyone?

Number 4 - I'm special by Graham Kendrick.

I heart kendrick hes ace he really is. He wrote the classic shine jesus shine, which in all honesty is a pretty great song. Take away the crappy music the song is powerful. However kendrick let me down with this song. Really I'm his special friend what am i 5years old??

Number 3 - I believe in Jesus - Vineyard (couldn't find the writers name)

This song is simply a statement of faith that repeats itself again and again and again. I get it you believe in jesus you believe that he is here now and you feel the need to sing about it to bad instrumentals why??

Number 2 - joy is in this place by tim hughes aka dance dance everybody dance.

So i resent songs that tell me what to do. That involve teenagers screaming in my ears and doing congas. Also no one really worships to this song they just dance like a crazy person. And whats more its in the weird key of tim hughes so isn't easy to sing as well as him doing his usual trick of ripping off other songs in this case amazing grace. He ruined amazing grace he should be shot by john newton himself!

Well folks if you know me you know which song is at the top of my list

number 1 - Beautiful by Phil Wickam

Lets start with, this song makes me walk out the room. I dislike it that much. I don't want to tell Jesus he is beautiful because it tells us in Isaiah that he wasn't. I understand the sentiment, because im not an idiot, but a lot of young people don't. Worship songs today teach theology to the young people of today and this is teaching them that Jesus is their boyfriend and he's a pretty one at that! Not to mention the ooooohing. I don't want to oooh in a song. I don't want to oooh in real life. Seriously phil? Couldn't think of any better lyrics?

I shall stop my rant there before risk of insulting people further. Guys this is my list and my feelings. Feel free to weigh in with yours.

Shall be putting up a list of my 5 favs later!

change

2010-07-26T22:22:00.002+01:00

"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown"

some dude said this in one of my youth work books.

It really struck me and is something i have tried to keep in mind when life around me evolves.

Well I'm trying to grow as a human being, aren't we all and as fore mentioned that means change and risk.

I was on the phone to Josh earlier ranting about stuff, but i think we both missed that what i was ranting about really meant something else.

"This is really about that" (to quote rob bell)

What i said doesn't really matter what it was really about does. I want to grow, so that means i have to change and take risks. part of that change means less drama in my life and more stability especially in relationships. especially in one particular relationship which is new for me. To be in a position where it is stable and adult is terrifying. It's a huge change that i am learning to deal with.

Yikes.

so i call josh and rant at her about stuff that is really about my fear of this big change, and the irony is that i want this change but i just don't know how to cope with it.

Part of that translates to my writing, as is known by you all i don't have problems with sharing my life with the bloggosphere. my life is out there and there is no taking it back. i am brutally honest but now there is someone else and i don't know what is to be saved to share with them and what isn't.

Before i have had no qualms about what i write, which has led to problems but in all has been ok,

but now

now i am taking into consideration that i am sharing my life with someone and well its all really confusing due to the stability and now being used to it and all that.
But it does make me wonder, what is saved for intimate relationships be it friend, family or other half's!? and what do we share with whomever else.

What do i keep between me and Mum, or me and Josh or me and Law's?? And what don't I??

I guess the real question is what can i blog about. do i have to check with people first or do i just go for it and hope for the best.

There is this wonderful film, Julie and Julia which is essentially about blogging and it asks this very question. didnt give me any answers though.

For the time being i think i shall continue on and see how it goes.

It's really odd having this person in your lifewho cares about all the silly little details, i mean yeah josh cares normally because it entertains us but its such a change considering someone else in your decisions.

I frequantly put other people first but now i am having to relearn to do that.

Like i have a mohawk now.

Note i LOVE it.

But i realised that maybe other people have opinions on the matter and may care about this decision.

ok that was a bad example but still.

i am readjusting and its throwing me for a loop a bit. means the introversion is going a bit crazy.

So i am done for tonight time to curl up with a book so here is my music of the moment a beautiful piece from the p and p soundtrack.

church ponderings

2010-07-18T13:21:00.002+01:00

ooooh yet another blog, 2 in 2 days go me.

Well i was talking to the boy yesterday about some stuff and some things and yeah.

Seriously every now and then he asks me a question to which the reply can vary from cheese to the state of the world. Yesterday the answer was how i dont let people in.

Anyone who knows me knows i am guarded, and in some respects i have pretty darn good reasons.

Yet if i keep most people, if i keep God at arms length how can i be living life to the full. We all know i'm not an emotional person, but i do have emotions. And part of letting people in is dealing with the emotions that go with that.

Please not this does not mean i shall become touchy feely girly girl i shall still be the same wonderfully logical and cynical helen that we know and love. Just one who is starting to break down the wall she has built around her.

Part of this involves having certain conversations in person as opposed to via text or hiding behind a computer screen,(something i think a lot of people in the world could learn to do) which means i am going to start having to have conversations on things.

And some of those conversations are with God. i know she wants to get into some of the nitty gritty with me.

which leads me nicely onto my next pondering for today.

Communion.

i sat next to neil in church today, always fun he laughs at my inappropriate jokes and on occasion makes his own.

today's funny was, after john broke the bread for communion "uumm he broke Jesus"

Anyway my extraordinary wit aside God really spoke to me through communion today.

so i haven't taken communion since december, i'm ok with that, my reason is simple. I haven't forgiven 2 people for what happened to me. And i mean serious unforgiveness.

but i haven't forgiven myself and i haven't forgiven him. Now i know you are all like but it wasn't your fault. well sorry still working through that to some extent and until i do i can't forgive myself. And i need to forgive him. So until that happens no tasty jesus body and blood for me.

(though wandering how tasty as it made neil choke today)

So whats with this unforgiveness leading to no communion malarkey.

My daddy stuart once challenged me on being unwilling to forgive someone (at this time the person in question was mummy sare,) His challenge was that communion is ultimately about forgiveness and grace. god forgiving us for what we have cocked up in, Jesus paying the price for our mistakes. That if i as a daughter of Christ am meant to be doing what i see my father in heaven doing does that not mean i have to learn to forgive even when its so hard.

In the lords prayer do we not say "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us"

so if i went to ask God for forgiveness, to take part in a tradition that speaks of such a thing surely i need to forgive.

This is how i see it, my understanding, its not what others have to do. But for me this is what i believe is right for me. And God has worked through this, but today she firmly told me that its time to start forgiving. Yesterday her and i had a hashing out of things and part of that was me saying i wat to do better to draw closer which i guess was her reason for the challenge.

So today God told she understood but to ger over it. If i want to change and grow i actually have to do that.

which leads me on to my final thought for the last 24hours.

Prayer.

Its what the sermon was on today. I erm didnt really listen instead i was trying to figure out how i pray and what prayer means to me. So i have written a little study for myself to do this week. Looking at people who pray in the bible (that would be most people) and learn some more.

So i guess thats enough blogging to be getting on with for the moment.

friendship ponderings

2010-07-17T17:10:00.003+01:00

i was chatting to mr alex on the phone yesterday, always a blast, and one of our topics of conversations was friendship and those once a year soul survivor friends.

As mentioned before i am totally for meeting people at ss who change your life and you stay friends with them outside of the field, alex being but one of many such people in my life.

But him and i were talking about those that make a big deal about staying in touch and yet in reality dot make the effort. i was bemused my one such person whom i had deleted from fb and then wanted me to re add him this year as we are now chums, erm dude really its been almost 12months and still no word!! but you know we are cool with that, you dont have to be best buds with everyone.

what bemused me the most about this was the yearly catch up, what will Alex and i say this year. Alex has been through a lot and i really ask you guys to pray for him and his wife who is about to undergo some chemo, so from that you can tell in some ways it hasnt been easy for him, but in other ways he is doing pretty darn spiffy.

So it got me thinking about my last year and the different place i am in and what my yearly update will be, "oh my year, well had some great bits and some shit bits, lots of dresses where worn went to canada, shot some gophers, went through the most horrific night of my life where i was violated by my best friend, my sister and best friend got engaged, i have a new boyfriend who is amazing, great disso idea, moved house, still working for tbc and loving it blah blah blah that kinda thing.

What am i willing to share with people.

because saying things to people's faces is not always as easy as writing in on a blog for all the world to read.

So i'm reading the long way down by nick hornby. the premise being 4 people meet on the roof of a building on new years eve, all planning to jump, and then they start talking.

this character jess gets everyone to share their stories on how they got to this point, one character on feeling like its a contest lies about his reason due to feelings of his not being a good enough reason compared to the others.

Its an interesting read.

And i don't know i keep dwelling on my year and the friendships that have come and gone it, some more dramatically then others. dwelling upon how we become friends with people why we stay their friends what is it about people that makes us want to relate to them.

is one thing in common enough to keep people in relationship, is is more than enough?!

Some people i wander if i wasn't a christian and thus met them in church or whatever would i be their friend, maybe because those people are the ones whom i am drifting apart from. Yet there are some people whom i am glad i met through such circumstances or i would never have found such a great friend.

friendship is a weird thing, the way people come and go into each others lives.

What it is that draws people together and how we discover these things.

Clare and i have a love of scrabble, deep discussions about things (such as politics and sex) coffee and penguin classics. If friendship can be built o that or less what else can it be built upon?

Just some thoughts

I'm sorry Josh . . .

2010-07-15T21:47:00.002+01:00

. . . for blogging so that the post on martin is no longer first thing you see.

So life in bristol, its pretty darn good, epic rain today i am soaked after playing footie in the rain with the guys at youth club.

Club was really good today, we have this new bunch who dont really talk to the leaders, they just ignore us. But today was the break through, they started talking to me and its all because i said most of my conversations these days are about sex. so they started talking to me about sex. Always good.

so this was a big positive. And frankly has made my day. i don't need the young people i work with to like me, but its kinda helpful if they at least talk to me.

Beardy got married on sunday, was soooo great to see him so happy. And that put a smile on my face we also got to go to the beach in our dresses from the wedding both late at night as well as on the following morning. was SUPER fun. following that with seeing my mum and elene twas a good weekend . . .

. . . except i spent the whole weekend stressed out of my head because of lateness.

So i'm not going to go on a massive rant about it,

But i do feel challenged.

punctuality is extremly important to be and i genuinly hate being late it puts me in the most horrible mood, its just plain rude. But how i deal with other people's lateness that my issue. I normally go really grumpy and just stop talking to the persons inolved for a while, mainly so i dont snap at them and thus ruin the day for them as well. but where is the line, i feel that when people are late they should apologise and try harder next time. But i also dont think i should get so angry about it.

Oh its all so confusing, how do i be gracious but at the same time allow myself to have certai stadards.

And i guess that transfers into my youth work. how do i as a youthworker allow young people to be completely themselves in the youth work i do but at the same time ask of them to have some respect for exampl keeping inappropriate language to the minimum. what of my values do i ask the young people to put upon themselves or do i put on them and which do i leave at the side.

i dont know.

shall think upon it some more.

peach has set a date for her wedding woop woop woop.

just a quick one

2010-07-07T21:45:00.000+01:00

Martin is a buttface

that is all

oh and josh is right.

let's talk about sex baby

2010-07-05T20:18:00.002+01:00

so last monday we had a morning dedicated to dissertation joy.

i'm really looking forward to focusing on one subject for more then 3000 words, especially one that i get to choose.

So my topic is sex.

Over the last few years i have changed my mind a few times the latest due to it being to close to home with recent events.

But then over the last month i have had a number of conversations with Christian women which has really just highlighted the problem with the churches approach to sex. Predominately teaching and preparing young women for sexual relationships, (sexual does not mean having sex) yes part of this preparation should come from families but if the church and youth works have even a small modicum of input into someones life should we not look at all areas of life, especially does that are often at the fore front of peoples minds.

I dont know about you but numerous numbers of chums think about relationships and sex in varying shaped and forms either because they are in them or want to be or because there is a lot of hormones or whatever. Not to mention the media influence.

So yeah lots of reading about sex.

And so far i am incredibly dispondent on what i have read, frankly none of it has really addressed the issue, some talk about treating people right, but most just talk about abstinance without a clear explanation why.

In other news its mr greens birthday tomorrow and am super looking forward to seeing him. Even if he is a big ole stalker.

so i'm learning some stuff, how i trust people and let them in, not the easiest thing for me since like ever but its going good for me so far. Shall keep striving forwards with it but its not always easy.

Past hurts can often get in the way of people going forwards annd i am NOT going to let that stop me living my life how it should be lived.

Peach and i are in a really great place, these past few months have really reminded to value other people's love languages and to remember them when struggling with these moments. So i'm putting it to good use and thus not getting annoyed at silly things! yay.

Nic came to see me on saturday which was lOVELY! she is so beautiful and honest that being with her just warms me and encourages me plus we always eat soooo much pizza that its a good time. side note cheesecake serves 6? not true how about 2!!

Thursday was wonderful, i met my everest, my waterloo, and i conquered

...

Ruths bedroom.

It was EPIC.

i'm really enjoying being back at TBC, having spent 6months going to GBC and a few others which are slightly larger it was nice to get back to a smaller church. I love GBC and the people there but they still struggle with seeing me as i am now, and i struggle being myself when i am there.

But at tbc, its a community that i love, even when mildly cheesey and such like, i adore the people there and the community, the passion. i love that most of the time most of the take me seriously and see me as i am.

I like who i am.

Still wish people would stop trying to change me, to tell me i should be a certain way.

Its all these dresses i have been wearing and the comments of how i should wear dresses more often and blah blah blah blah blah.

Guys i love you but PLEASE stop. I'm just as much a woman as the next girl, i just prefer my jeans. Thats it, there isnt a bigger deal to it, not anymore, i'm just a jeans and t kinda girl. And the comments make the dress wearing worse because then im all aware and then i never wear dresses. So chill. Let me be me.

Hele who wears jeans, and has short hair and is one of the guys.

Just cause i have girlface does not mean i will suddenly turn into a barbie wannabe!!

ok rant over, for now.

the sunset and the view from my house is incredible, Den once said that God made the sunsets just for him. I totally get what he was saying.

I sit on the deck, and cant help but think that God had hand painted the sky to remind me oh just how AWEsome she is.

i'm baaaaack

2010-06-26T21:10:00.002+01:00

so last sunday i moved back to bristol! wooop wooop.

I live in a house with my landlord, he's pretty cool. He has a cat called muppet. i don't like cats.

I do like muppet.

He has extra thumbs and is slightly chubby.

Life is going the way i have hoped it would. I'm settled back into work, getting stuck into essays (still last minute but actually doing reading and stuff) i feel safe. I'm happy and i have girlface.

life is surprising and i guess its what we do with those surprises that counts.

i never would have predicted that life would go this way.

And despite all the crap i'm glad it has.

I never thought that i would be spending a beautiful evening over looking bristol (my house has a SPECTACULAR view) enjoying a glass of wine, some ben and jerrys (half baked for those who are interested) listening to Beethoven, waiting for a certain person to text me back and in general feeling good about life.

God really has blessed me, so now its time for him and i to get down and into the nitty gritty, to rebuild the foundations and then start building this part of his church.

Because every now and then the foundations have to be tested, because the foundations of a building are what keeps it up. So me im spending the next few weeks looking at the core of my faith, of my personhood, or my calling in life.

i'm going to be asking myself some tough questions.

i wonder . . .

2010-06-23T17:42:00.002+01:00

I've been rereading sexgod by Rob Bell today (instead of essay writing, oops) and it made me think of something. One of the people i met when i was visiting j in scumdee was telling me how her ex had died of a heroin overdose, a horrible thing to happen, and how because of this she had sworn off men.

Erm.

Yeah.

Of the 2 things in for her to swear of, men wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind.

But why is it that we do this??

Humankind i mean.

Something happens and instead of recognising the real problem we decide to distance ourselves from people. And use them as the thing to blame.

Just wandering why, when at the very core of humanity is this desire to connect with people, to reconnect with God we do everything in our power to push away from those things we desire.

for charlie well actually this has nothing to do with charlie she is just moaning

2010-06-22T21:35:00.001+01:00

So currently I am in the bible belt of Canada, yes Canada has a bible belt. Herbert is the name of this small town and it has 7churches in it. Which is kinda crazy if you ask me.

I love this place everyone is super friendly and they say hi. It's a proper community. Loves it.

The only thing I don't loves is the mosquitos the are out in force and have been chowing down on me like crazy.

Fun times.

So whilst having been out here 2 of my sisters have made very different decisions. I shan't tell you what but one has me extremely worried and wishing I was in the uk so I can go slap her and sort her life out for her. I guess it's good that I'm here so I can't. The other makes me happy.

I was worried about sister number 1 and so mentioned it to polly and val, josh's mum and kiri's mum. Mainly because they were in the room at the time. Val later on suggested thaty sister going through what this is could either be natural selection or my parents doing a bad job. Both of which David cameron would fix.

Well I stood up for my parents who have done a pretty good job and pointed out than my sister is big enough and ugly enough to make her own choices in life and she has chosen to disagree with my parents. We were after all encouraged to think for ourselves.

The thought of David C fixing it however made me chuckle. Earlier on today shelly (one of the locals) and I got into a huge debate about british politics because I suggestedfavour towards the lib dems where as she was praying for cameron to get in.

He reason for this his stance on family values.

Interesting.

She was going on abou how he would return us to the days of yore when parents stuck with each other and raised their kids and everything was just peachy.

Erm when was this?

Life has never been perfect and this emphasis on family values is what led to young women being shipped off to have babies in secret houses, secret and deadly abortions, abusive marraiges and parents, children denied the right to chose for themselves.

People want to take us back.

I'm not sure this works. Yes I want it to be harder for people to get married so that they really have to think about he decision they are making. Yes I want divorce to be harder to get so that couples try harder. I want morals and values to be part of society but i also don't think the christians are always the best example of leading the way.

For hundreds of years christianity has has some emphasis in politics and we still haven't changed that much. If anything it has got worse because times have changed.

My opinion is that the church should look at society, reall look at it and say what can we do to help. To start lookin at their immediate community. To get stuck in.

We can't stand up and preach at people because christianity doesn't really have much of a leg to stand on.

Maybe I am cynical but I just think time is changing, society is changing and the church needs to as well. Countries where the church is growing are the countries where Christianity is illegal. Where there influence is on a smaller scale.

Where as here in the uk. Church is declining.

I don't know. It's just some musings

I could be wrong.

funsies

2010-06-03T23:15:00.000+01:00

What do you do for fun?

So today I drove over to Godmanchester to see a friend of mine. I grew up with this girl and I love her to the moon and back. What I love about her is her generosity and her caring nature. She is all about other people. Which is a totally admirable quality to have.

The problem is when you ask her how she is she'll talk about everyone else. How her mum/sister/brother/niece/nephew and so on are. Not how she is.

I asked her what she did for herself what made her happy. And she couldn't remember.

So today we did finger painting and make crispie cakes and watched a film and sang our little hearts out.

It was fun for the sake of having fun.

So my question to you is what do you do just to have fun?

Me I dance (really badly) in the kitchen to really cheesey music. It's great. And puts me in a great mood for he rest of the day.

So again I ask what do you do to have fun?!

rose tinted spectacles

2010-06-02T18:34:00.001+01:00

So I'm readjusting.

Life is pretty darn spiffy and mainly what has changed is my outlook on it. I'm what has changed.

The world is still spinning and crap things are happening.

But I'm just choosing to see it all with a touch of girlface.

I still have to find a place to live in Bristol, I still need to start on my essays I still don't have as many pennies in the bank as I would like. My family still has it's issues and I still have my joint pain and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

You get the picture.

But things are starting to make sense. I'm noticing the good things too, even if at times they seem insane I'm just going with it.

The sun has got his hat on (so have I) and I am factor 50 up and spending time in the places that for the last 6monhs I couldn't go on my own, it was struggle even with people.

This healing stuff is pretty darn awesome.

Josh and I were talking about praising God, everynow and then we have deep conversations. And we were talking about how to praise him when the outlook is good.

We can do loving God in the storm. We excel at the tough times, we have out setbacks but we do know that my God is bigger than. What we have trouble doing is staying close and worshipping God through all the good stuff. Yeah I have had the up moments I was reminded about some today when I was reading through some old blog posts. But those times didn't last long and none of them have had me really feeling like I am now.

So I'm trying to press on and press in. To grow closer still to Christ. Because it's hard when life is good. God gets lost because we are not calling on him everyday screaming "help!" so my task is to try this to grow further, to dig deeper, to fly higher.

And inspiration is around.

I want to be a better person.

Girlface is rife. And is spurring me on.

Yikes.

Anywho back to chillig in the park. Thank God for the iPhone.

the greatest day

2010-05-31T00:11:00.002+01:00

I got the bestest phone call of my life today.

my soulmate, my bestest friend in the whole world is engaged to the most amazing guy. My girl is happy,she is beyond happy.

No one desearves this happieness more then her.

no one

simple as.

i wish i could explain the joy i am feeling right now.

After all the shit of the last few years. Its becoming ok. I saw mr and mrs adide off on their honeymoon, i am happy again with added extras and girlface but most importantly the person i love more then anyone else is getting what she thought she would never have.

its deep.

i really am so happy. possibly happier and more excited then if it had happened to me.

healing

2010-05-30T22:17:00.001+01:00

Healing comes in many different shapes and forms. Different things make us question and help us grow.

In the last 6 days I have changed so much it is crazy.

Life has been hard for me. It's been tough it's made me question and recently it's made me shrink away from people to hide myself to become reclusive.

On tuesday I got on a train and headed into uxbridge and spent the next few days helping the most amazing couple get read for their wedding. It was such a privaledge to be apart of this journey to watch them make decisions and to be so in love and cherish each other so much.

Anna fiona and Denis are perfect foreach other and bein near that much love changed me. Rob Bell wrote about johnny and June cash in his book sex god. How their love impacted everyone around them. This is the same with anna fi and den you can't help but smile when you are with them to feel that warmth.

Healing came in the form of this inspiring couple. At the beginning of the week I was still fairly adament that I would stay single thar I did not desire what they had.

That was the fear talking.

Seeing it work.

That fear has gone.

Healing also comes in the form of some very beautiful bridesmaids and a bunch or crazy black men (release) it was being instantly accepted by this group of deep and strong and crazy men and women. I felt at home. I felt apart of a group again like I just belonged. I felt like me again. Bantering joking and learning to dance. Becoming part of the jokes being someone who was just a source of happiness with no baggage.

At the beginning of this week I wasn't as happy or as me as I could have been. By Friday evening when Lawrence asked me if I was happy I could genuinely say yes.

I was just Helen.

The final healing came in the form of a 4 week old baby called Reuben and a 1 year old called Noah.

This I really didn't even realised was needed.

I have never wanted to be a mum. It's just not appealed to me. As most of you know I never really liked babies or children. 11+ is where it's at.

But then naomi came to help set up on Friday and her baby came too. She needed a break and I can cope with babies so I held him. ALL day.

And I was enchanted.

Then I met the rest of her children (4boys) and they were all priceless. Especially Noah they captivated me.

Somethig switched on.

Everyone kept telling me I was a natural and what a shame it is that I don't wan to have kids.

I want to.

Maybe down the line I will have some lil mocha babies. Who knows. But I would actually kinda like it.

Denis take note I may never this again but you may have been right. Not about the dressthing though. Well not yet. I blame kumars pink ribbon.

I am free.

I am me.

We were given gifts by the happy couple it was suppose to symbolize something we had to guess what.

I was given a necklace with a bird on.

I think I get it.

(note the bird looks like the Twitter bird)

Anywho I'm going to get on my train and go home and start getting ready for wedding number 2.

things can only get better

2010-05-19T14:36:00.002+01:00

this was the song that started mine and nicola's road mix.

Ironically the stuff that followed on (not that week but after) got worse.

But not really. Becasue God is a God of hope and when the darkness is all around we discover how much we need God, and how strong we are. which for me comes from that hope.

And im getting better.

I have started to pray. To let people in. To feel happy, and i am super excited about starting back at work in June.

AND Neil Patrick Harris in Glee!!

scardy cat, scardy cat sitting on the door mat . .

2010-05-19T12:35:00.002+01:00

why is it so scary to take a chance on someone and let them in.

Im kinda talking about me but kinda not.

We all know that i have issues. like uber issues. But even before when i only had normal people amounts of issues i wasnt a fan of it. Especially when its someone whos face you like. that someone who gives you girlface.

My friend liked someone so i told her to ask him out. using the phrase "whats the worst that can happen?" and most of the time the worst isnt much its just in our head that it is.

I couldn't do what she did. she is SUPER brave.

But the thing is the worst isnt the end of the world and the best thing about letting someone into your life is that they change it for better. So why is it the negative is what we go with other then the positive??

so many of us can be terrified of letting someone incase they say no or they hurt us.

Maybe its time to change thinking, start letting people in.

So i am going to try and take down some of the walls that i have built around me and take a chance by saying i like your face, its a specific liking of your face.

And the worst that can happen is the answer no and a bit of awkwardness. And even then at least i will have known that i took the risk and have no regrets.

deep

2010-05-17T21:32:00.001+01:00

read me

bitch

2010-05-17T00:54:00.001+01:00

another blog

2010-05-16T17:09:00.000+01:00

I was once told that there is no point meeting random people at soul survivor because you never stay friends.

Well chris you are so TOTALLY wrong.

Man I love to say phrases like that.

I have been thinking about friendship a lot recently. 3 friends that I have made at SS are getting married in the next month. 2 of whom I am being a bridesmaid for. Heck one of those involves flying out to canadia.

So I wonder if maybe that mr chris was wrong in his statement. Or maybe we just have a different understanding of friendship.

I know my understanding of it has evolved over the last few years.

When I was a teenager I used to have silly fights with my friends and I would chop and change my best friend every other day. At that time what I saw of friendship was someone you talk to ALL the time and you would have lil inner jokes and other things that are still part of the friendships I have today. But what these friendships didn't have was depth.

Yes sometimes we talked about deep stuff but at the end of the day we weren't really there for each other.

Then I met peach.

And I lived happily ever after.

The end.

Erm maybe not. But over the years more then anything she has taught me what a deep friendship is like. Putting up with each other through ALL the shit. Especially the shit that we throw at each other.

This is not to say the other friendships I had at the time were rubbish. I am still friends with many of the people that I grew up with at gbc but to be fair they are more like family.

Anywho so the wandering is still about friendship and the different forms it takes. I have friends who I talk to everyday about the little and large hints in life. They see me through it all. I have friends who disappear for months on end and only call me to moan about their issues. I have chums who I talk to about specific things, chums to go to starbucks with and chums to go to the cinema with. I have chums who I speak to once a term and often see them less then that.

I'm sure you get the idea. I have friendships in numerous forms.

All are as equally important.

I love that I can text josh the photo of the funny sign, or scream yoda at her. I love that anna fee and I don't often talk to see each other but when we do I am a better person for it. I love it when clare shares little titbits of wisdom with me and challenges me by her own battles.

I am super blessed with the amazing friends that I have.

The ones who matter the most though are the ones that challenge me. Ruth when she thinks I'm hiding from my emotions and not doing what needs to be done. Peach when she tells me I have been pretty crap too. My mum who knows me sooo well.

But I guess in my older age I am beginning to understand more. Just because you don talk to someone everyday doesn't mean they are not a close friend.

I rarely see my 2 best friends. 1 I talk to all the time the other not so much. And that's starting to be ok with me because without them I wouldn't be me. They know me better then anyone.

A friend is someone who knows you. Who in someway changes you. Who challenges you. Who you trust and whom you love. Who takes a chance on you.

I have an incredible friend out there who made me a "we love Helen hamper." this person (I think I know who it was) showed how well they knew me, from my chocolate preference, to my fave author, tv show, music, footwear, shoe size and simply how much I love post it's. To name a few.

It was an amazing moment after a crummy crummy day when i saw how some people do just get you and appreciate you.

So thank you to that person. It actually made me cry.

I love my chums. And I wish I knew the way to thank them and tell them how much I appreciate them to allow me the pleasure of being in their lives.

Ok soppyness over.

I totally kick ass at mariokart.

Blog done.

i'm sorry

2010-05-11T22:58:00.002+01:00

seriously i am. i know i promised blogs to follow and i have been super really lame recently and not written much so here are some thoughts i had whilst in church on sunday (a friends church)

also it wasnt just me being cynical

So here is an interesting thought what is my cynicism and what is my personality and what are my core beliefs. I sit in this church and I can't help but see it as some rock concert/cult meeting. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

The minister talks to us with his eyes closed as if channeling the holy spirit. The whole church jump and clap and cheer as if there is no allowance for sadness.

I can't help but wonder is this real is this what church is meant to be like??

So I am the queen of cyniscism. I sit and I guess I judge what I see. What is going on around me. I am sceptical as the genuine intentions, to the passion, the honesty, the personalities.

I could just say that it is me watching out for those false prophets but I know that it is me judging these happy clappy people.

I have no allowance for people to be like this. Or maybe I do. I don't know.

I believe that there is joy in Christ I know there is freedom and maybe what these people have is freedom and joy.

So where does that leave me?!

I don't know but I feel (yes I am feeling something and allowing it to influence my decision) and think that there is no need for a drumkit to be lit up with coloured lights, to have smoke and varying coloured spotlights. As a new comer I was freaked out and worried. It was dark other than the spots. Not really welcoming. That and I really don't know what the preacher is on about. (Other then sharing that he got the snip last week.)

I see church as a place of community, fellowship, worship, work, growth and a few other things. Not a place for rock concerts. We are told to watch and pray. So why do we close our eyes? (not sure what that has to so with anything but this church makes me consider that)

I don't feel or think that this place is genuine.

Is that wrong of me to think so??

But then my version of geniune could be different from theirs.

My version of passion could be different from theirs.

On a side not this preacher really bugs me. He is a lil bit up himself.

So this is my long winded way of questioning myself.

Am I just a cynic or am I just different?

At least I think that is my question.
Maybe it is how do I view things. With my head or my heart?

Oh I think that's why I don't like this preacher. He doesn't seperate head and heart. Where as we all know that I do. I believe you can make decisions completely based on one or the other.

coming soon . . . .

2010-04-27T22:54:00.002+01:00

COMING SOON

TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU

BLOG POST 321

STARRING
BLACK COFFEE
VICTORIA PARK
RUTH MCC

AND

MUMMA SARE

cheese

2010-04-23T15:03:00.001+01:00

Something I have realised lately is that I am terrified of any man thinking I am interested in him. Be it wether I am or not. On 3 of the journeys I have had lately I have made eye contact with a number of guys, it's because I'm nosey and like to see who's on the train. At times when catching the eye of said men hey have responded some smile, some add a not, some make a point of consistently glancing in my direction and one even did a really cheesey wink.

Now this isn't a story about how desirable I am.
This is a reflection of my own reactions.

I'll get back to that in a minute.

Today (Tuesday) he 2nd year CYM students made a trip to Easton to experience a multicultural society. Most had never experienced it on such an intense scale as that is this area. And many of the class had interesting reflections on how they acted their preconcieved stereotypes and such like and how they noticed the change in their reactions as they became more comfortable in their surrondings.

Well Easton is my comfort zone. It's where I feel at home, at ease, it's where I love to be.

So due to this I found others experiences enlightening, entertaining, frustrating, and many other things. Most of all it got me pondering on what I am uncomfortable with.

Predominantly White areas, specifically churches. I enjoy being in the minority. So ares where I am not disturb me, maybe that's why I struggle with my parents church at the moment.

So back to my first point. I'm uncomfortable with unsolicited attention from men. It is fine when I know the intentions, ie Simon and rhod make me feel safe. But men that i don't know terrify me. Specifically those without wedding rings.

I understand a certain degree of fear is acceptable. A woman should be weary of the intentions of a man that she does not know. But not to the extent that I am at.

I avoid eye contact. I look everywhere else but. I make it blatently obvious that I want nothing to do with them.

Men scare me and I have sufficient reason to havethis fear. But I am not one to let my fear stop me from being who I am. Which is a person who enjoys ingaging in conversation with unknown people. Who smiles at strangers. Who is welcoming.

Now I am becoming more certain of my decision to remain celibate unless told otherwise it is a prospect that excites me and enthuses me about my future. So this wanting to get over my fear isn't about maybe meeting someone on the train.

It comes from an appreciation of the experiences I have had before. I have encountered people on the train who have changed my life, who have rocked my worldview, I am who I am because of some of these conversations.

And i just don't want to miss out on a full life because of a silly fear.

That is all for now.
Toodles

chums

2010-04-12T23:26:00.002+01:00

i miss my best friend.

And in all honest i'm not sure which one i'm on about.

JC
Josh
D
Peach
Si
J-Bird
Abbi

?!

I dont know.
Have been wandering what friendship is recently.

I miss me also.

Am going to do something about that though. Just not sure what.

lil miss independent

2010-03-29T12:08:00.000+01:00

Mother Theresa, Corrie ten Boom, Betsy ten Boom, Elizabeth 1, Jane Austen, and Professor McGonagall. All strong independent women. Yes one is not real. But still.

What I love most about these women is they didn't need husband they found a place in the history books by their actions not by who they married.

This weekend has been none stop weddings, 4 women all getting married in the next 3months. Arg.

It's not that I'm bitter, in fact I am just so happy for them and can see how happy. It has made them. but I get asked about my love life and well that is none existent, something which I am perfectly content with, yet I get that look of pity as if I am half a person because of my lack of man.

It is not meant in a horrible way at all, in fact it is done out of concern and a desire for me to experience the joy that they have.

But I don't think I want it. Maybe it is a reaction to recent events maybe it is something else.

But I am strongly considering a life of celibacy.

It seems so unnatural and unusual for a woman to do this. When a man does it is honorable and a clear calling on his life and all that, bu a thought that a woman would deny herself the right to become a baby making machine just seems to really grate on people.

Denis was teasing me about it today, saying things like when people make blanket statements god usually proves them wrong. And in some respects denis is right.

But why can't I ask for the choice?!

Why is it such a big deal I celibacy is my choice?!

I am complete in Christ. I am strong and independent. I can cook and clean and I love my own space and company. Why do I need anything more then that? Why does society (especially Christian society) feel the need to pressure me into the role of wife and mother.

Why am I,
just as I am,
why am I
not enough?

So I seriously am considering choosing a life of celibacy. Paul calls it a great way to live, it means I have nothing to hold me somewhere I can just up and go whenever the lord says so. I will have no distractions, less split loyalties, and a bed all to myself.

Sounds good to me.

This is my choice right?
Well I'm asking God to consider letting me be celibate.

If it's good enough for Jesus it's good enough for me.

humph

2010-03-23T18:19:00.002Z

i dispare.

how do you stop a group of people who aren't willing to listen from making a huge mistake?

The kinda of mistake that has huge repercussions.

I dont know much, i really dont. What i do know is what makes a good youth worker, I know because it is what i aspire to be. I know because i have spent the last few years contemplating it, learning about it and striving to be it.

he isn't. I know it is wrong to judge, yet at the same time God has given us responsibility to uphold our brothers and sisters and Christ.

But like i said, i know what makes a good youth worker and i know what makes a bad one.

He's the latter, and for them to decide on him, to "spiritually blackmail" the church into choosing him,(dad's words) well thats not good.

this is what they are doing, they are saying that they believe its Gods will and Him directing them to this decision, so what you disagree and you aren't as good a christian, or you dont hear God as well as they do. Thats wrong. And thats what they are saying to not choose him is going against God.

Well i wouldn't choose him, not in a million years, and i dont think thats going against God i think its recognising that he sucks and is bad news.

Youth work isn't about making young people into believers, its about working with young people, working for them, journeying with them. And his version scares me.

work v ministry

2010-03-20T20:40:00.003Z

So there was this interview thing at my parents church today, for the new youth worker.

And man do i have some strong opinions about this guy.

some of you guys who read this are youthworkers. I know i am. This guy doesnt do "youthwork" he does "youth ministry."

I got this vibe that all he cares about is making christians, shoving them through this funnel until they become "disciples!" I dont know why other people decided to get involed in work with young people. But i know why i did. And it wasnt to make them christians.

Richard often uses a quote from Donovans Christianity Redisovered

"In working with young people, do not try to call them back to where they were, and do not try to call them to where you are, as beautiful as the place may seem to you. You must have the courage to go with them to a place that neither you nor they have been before."

Thats why i do youthwork, and yeah i call it youthwork. I want to go on a journey with the young people, wherever we end up. It is work, but its more then that it is my vocation my calling. It is a ministry, but i'm not a youth minister, i dont want to be. I want to work with the youth, and them to work with me. Be they of faith or not, even if they never find faith i what i have faith in.

and this guy made me angry because he didnt seem to recognise the validity in that.

Is that all the church wants from its youthworkers, to funnel young people into clones that fit the post-modern version of christianity. Because that was his suggestion.

Yeah he said some fancy words, and spoke many ideas, but he was spouting a text book. He wants to use a new language, but will he really.

I want to use a new language, but do i know how.

I dont want to bitch about this guy, he had some strong points, but he pissed me off.

I'm a youthworker, and i do it because i love it. it doesnt feel like "work" or an obligation or just a job. Its about working with youth.

a statement

2010-03-20T00:28:00.000Z

i feel a little bit broken

and am too scared to start the journey to letting someone fix me.

This makes essay writing a bit of an issue